In these recession-y times, it can be difficult to keep your financial situation afloat. Here are The Ex-Gifted Child’s top five tips to survive the current economic shit-storm. They’ll leave you saying, “Subprime loan, shmubprime loan!”
5. Call in debts from friends and family.
Now’s the time to remind folks that they owe you money. Gals, give your beau a tab for all those dinners you went Dutch. Parents, bill your adult children for rent and laundry services. Subway musicians, demand fives and tens.
5. Call in debts from friends and family.
Now’s the time to remind folks that they owe you money. Gals, give your beau a tab for all those dinners you went Dutch. Parents, bill your adult children for rent and laundry services. Subway musicians, demand fives and tens.
4. Play the lottery.
Did you know, that for as little as one or two dollars, you could possibly wins MILLIONS of dollars? Lottery tickets should be a major percentage of every smart investor’s portfolio. Don’t shy away from those complicated scratch-off tickets, either…your financial advisor can explain how they work. Remember, you can’t win if you don’t play.
Giant novelty checks never bounce.
3. Make friends on Wall Street.
In case you haven’t noticed, Wall Streeters are going through more stressful times than you are. They’re losing billions of dollars, and you’re losing what…thousands? Tens of thousands? Maybe a couple hundred? Show your sympathy by befriending finance employees who are going through tough times.
Buy them a cup of coffee, listen to them complain about the yacht that they’ll have to refinance or the penthouse in Dubai that they’ll have to remodel next year when times aren’t so tough. Shine their shoes. If they take a liking to you, they may include you in their will before they jump out a window at the NYSE to their untimely death on the pavement below.
2. Bone up on your survival skills.
Visit your local library (did you know the books there are free?) and learn about edible plants, turning urine into potable drinking water, and how to skin and fillet stray cats. Yurt-constructing skills could also be invaluable for when your house is foreclosed.
1. Take responsibility.
Man up and admit that the financial crisis is all your fault. Whether you committed some egregious mortal sin like coveting your neighbor's goods, or ruined your karma in a previous life as a dolphin, you are somehow to blame for this worldwide catastrophe. Go to confession or burn some incense and hope that the Gods accept your humble penance, and that the Dow goes up.
Have mercy on our souls.
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2 comments:
That was funny. More silly posts, please!
I can only squeeze so much wit out of my tired, tired brain. But I'll try.
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