Sunday, December 7, 2008

Blog Hiatus!

Hi everyone!

The Ex-Gifted Child is going on a brief hiatus. Check out the blogs listed in the sidebar for some bloggertainment in my absence!


Friday, November 7, 2008

Michael Crichton

As you may have heard, pop-sci author Dr. Michael Crichton passed away on Tuesday. I have started to emerge from my grief and am now ready to pay my respects.

Here, in no particular order, are some haikus I drafted while in the depths of sorrow. Each one is dedicated to one of MC's extraordinary novels.


Raptors, T. Rex, Lex
Where's Nedry? Fences are down
Hold on to your butts.


Scary viruses
Everyone is effin' dead!
Except sad baby


Sign language monkey
That's really the only part
Worth talking about


Underwater orb
Submarine life sucks
Watch out for squid

Time travel is fun
Until your limbs are chopped off
In medieval France

Are you serious?
Another one-word title?
Come on, Mister C.

Best book ever

Thursday, November 6, 2008

New Poll!

Hey! You! Look over there to the right. There's a new poll in town. And this one is of the utmost importance.

GO VOTE on how much you love me. (Next week you can vote on how obnoxious my egocentricity is.)

Have a happy day.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Obama Predictions

I apologize for the lack of updates recently. The Ex-Gifted Child and Friends have been struck by election fever and unable to focus on anything but Barack Obama's charming smile and hot bod.

Campaign here often?

But now that he's elected, it's time to sit back and watch the miracles happen! Here are my predictions for the first six weeks of Obama's presidency.

1. World Peace.

We all know Barack is planning to personally fly over to Iraq, pick up all the US troops in his super-rad presidential helicopter, and deliver them back to the front stoops of their respective homes ASAP. And the rest of the world, reduced to enamored schoolgirls in Obama's wake, will call for a moratorium on all military actions!

Then everyone will hold hands across the globe and sing "Kumbayah."

Or, "Mister Mistoffelees"

2. Socialist Health Care

I don't know about you, but I can't wait for my medical care to become subsidized by that most efficient of entities, the United States Government. If a trip to the doctor's office during an Obama presidency is anything like my trip to the polls yesterday, we're all in for a real treat.

There will be no long lines out the door...they'll find your name in their medical database right away...the MRI machine will work perfectly...and everyone will speak coherent English.

And it's going to be free! 100% free! For everyone! All the time! Eeeeeee!

3. Gay Marriage

We all know that Obama only professed to be against gay marriage in order to win over moderate and conservative voters. He's GOT to believe in gay marriage. I mean, he has to. Right? Right?

And he's going to make it legal in all 50 states just as soon as Congress is back in session, right?

What's that? Proposition 8 just passed in California, revoking the rights of same-sex couples to marry?

"But Waldorf, you said this would be our year."

4. No More Taxes

Although he didn't mention it in any of his campaign speeches, I have an inkling that Obama will do away with income taxes. It just seems like the right thing to do, doesn't it? Especially in this economic climate.

I, personally, am excited to stop paying taxes. And with all the time Barack will save from not having to count our tax dollars, he'll have time to implement wide-reaching social programs for our children, elderly, and veterans. That'll show John McCain, that tax-hungry Republican crazy.

5. Sasha and Malia Become the New Olsen Twins

No, not the present day, strung-out, fur-wearing, wrist-cutting Olsen twins. The cute, wholesome Mary-Kate and Ashley of the Full House years. Sasha and Malia are just too darn adorable to NOT star in their own series of direct-to-DVD kid's movies. And with Michelle's help, they could definitely design their own line of tween wear at H&M or Target.

They could even develop a strangely close relationship with Bob Saget, if necessary.

"Someday, let's turn crazy."

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Buy Term Papers

Check out this lovely article about term paper mills. I wish I had known about this in college.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

1950's Educational Films

Don't you wish there were awkwardly acted, bone-chillingly conformist filmstrips that could tell you how to live your life? I do. Fortunately, the fine folks at the Prelinger Archives have a whole slew of 1950's era health class movies for our perverse enjoyment. It's fascinating that these were created not so long ago, yet our social views have changed immensely since then.

For example, do you need some helpful dating tips? In "What to Do on a Date," our friendly protagonist learns that he doesn't have to spend a lot of money - or even much effort - on planning a date with his lucky lady (and all of their dating is too dangerous).

I must have missed the part about when to roofie her Coke.

Hey, don't you wish you had received better training for becoming a full-time homemaker? Do you lack the skills necessary for cooking nutritious foods and sewing fabulous outfits for your family? In "Why Study Home Economics," we learn all of these things and more. Especially intriguing is the notion that girls going off to college are fortunate - because they can study even more advanced home economics. Lucky bitches!

Why Study Home Economics

With all that learning about food storage and fabric identification, how will she have time to wash and set her hair??!!

And finally...are you frustrated with your low-level secretarial job? "Office Courtesy: Meeting the Public" is one of many films aimed at the gals in the typing pool who are having trouble at work. Turns out, the problem is that you're just not charming enough. Come on, show a little leg and flash those pearly whites, chickies.

Ruth and Barbara's strangely tactile relationship is further explained in 1954's "A Very Special Roommate."

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Quote to Live By

"I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate."

~George Burns

Or, just a failure in general