Check out this lovely article about term paper mills. I wish I had known about this in college.
http://www.thesmartset.com/article/article10100801.aspx
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
1950's Educational Films
Don't you wish there were awkwardly acted, bone-chillingly conformist filmstrips that could tell you how to live your life? I do. Fortunately, the fine folks at the Prelinger Archives have a whole slew of 1950's era health class movies for our perverse enjoyment. It's fascinating that these were created not so long ago, yet our social views have changed immensely since then.
For example, do you need some helpful dating tips? In "What to Do on a Date," our friendly protagonist learns that he doesn't have to spend a lot of money - or even much effort - on planning a date with his lucky lady (and all of their friends...one-on-one dating is too dangerous).
I must have missed the part about when to roofie her Coke.
Hey, don't you wish you had received better training for becoming a full-time homemaker? Do you lack the skills necessary for cooking nutritious foods and sewing fabulous outfits for your family? In "Why Study Home Economics," we learn all of these things and more. Especially intriguing is the notion that girls going off to college are fortunate - because they can study even more advanced home economics. Lucky bitches!
And finally...are you frustrated with your low-level secretarial job? "Office Courtesy: Meeting the Public" is one of many films aimed at the gals in the typing pool who are having trouble at work. Turns out, the problem is that you're just not charming enough. Come on, show a little leg and flash those pearly whites, chickies.
Ruth and Barbara's strangely tactile relationship is further explained in 1954's "A Very Special Roommate."
For example, do you need some helpful dating tips? In "What to Do on a Date," our friendly protagonist learns that he doesn't have to spend a lot of money - or even much effort - on planning a date with his lucky lady (and all of their friends...one-on-one dating is too dangerous).
I must have missed the part about when to roofie her Coke.Hey, don't you wish you had received better training for becoming a full-time homemaker? Do you lack the skills necessary for cooking nutritious foods and sewing fabulous outfits for your family? In "Why Study Home Economics," we learn all of these things and more. Especially intriguing is the notion that girls going off to college are fortunate - because they can study even more advanced home economics. Lucky bitches!
Why Study Home Economics
With all that learning about food storage and fabric identification, how will she have time to wash and set her hair??!!
With all that learning about food storage and fabric identification, how will she have time to wash and set her hair??!!And finally...are you frustrated with your low-level secretarial job? "Office Courtesy: Meeting the Public" is one of many films aimed at the gals in the typing pool who are having trouble at work. Turns out, the problem is that you're just not charming enough. Come on, show a little leg and flash those pearly whites, chickies.
Ruth and Barbara's strangely tactile relationship is further explained in 1954's "A Very Special Roommate."Thursday, October 23, 2008
Quote to Live By
"I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate."
~George Burns
Or, just a failure in general
~George Burns
Or, just a failure in generalWednesday, October 22, 2008
Flu Prevention Tips
With fall well under way, flu season is upon us. In the interest of keeping Ex-Gifted Children everywhere healthy, here are some handy flu prevention tips.
1. Think About Not Getting the Flu
Don't Come Near Me
3. Get A Flu Shot
This is a controversial tip, but I’m going out on a ledge here and including on the list. My biggest issue with the flu shot is that it sort of hurts. I don’t know that the benefit outweighs the brief, stinging pain. But if you’re bored and have ten bucks to waste and you like having someone stick a needle in your arm that may only prevent one specific type of influenza, by all means, go get a flu shot.
For example, if you have children, have them live in a tent in the backyard for the winter (kids think this is super fun!). If you work in a school, take an emergency maternity leave until spring (note that this may not work for most male teachers). If you take care of an elderly relative, tell them you’ll be busy for the rest of the winter, and their contagious ass is on its own.
Sorry Grandma
1. Think About Not Getting the Flu
This is the most important thing you can do. According to “The Secret,” you can do whatever you want if you just think about it hard enough. So…every hour on the hour, take a moment to think “No Flu For Me, Thanks.”
Or, "Give Me The Strength Of A Thousand Oprahs"
2. Wash Your Hands
One of the simplest things you can do is to make sure you keep your hands clean. It can be hard to remember, though! Take a tip from Howie Mandel of “Deal or No Deal” and duct tape a Ziploc bag filled with Purell around your hands. You may not be able to use your hands, but at least you will never have to wash them.
Don't Come Near Me This is a controversial tip, but I’m going out on a ledge here and including on the list. My biggest issue with the flu shot is that it sort of hurts. I don’t know that the benefit outweighs the brief, stinging pain. But if you’re bored and have ten bucks to waste and you like having someone stick a needle in your arm that may only prevent one specific type of influenza, by all means, go get a flu shot.
4. Stay Away From Children and Older People
If at all possible, limit your contact with children and the elderly, who are more prone to contracting winter illness.
For example, if you have children, have them live in a tent in the backyard for the winter (kids think this is super fun!). If you work in a school, take an emergency maternity leave until spring (note that this may not work for most male teachers). If you take care of an elderly relative, tell them you’ll be busy for the rest of the winter, and their contagious ass is on its own.
Sorry Grandma Monday, October 20, 2008
Halloween Costume Poll
Just to wrap up the last poll:
~A whopping SEVEN readers plan to vote for Barack Obama in the upcoming election.
~ZERO readers plan to vote for John McCain.
~ZERO readers plan to vote for a different candidate (way to think outside the box, friends).
~And TWO lazy bums and/or anarchists plan to not vote at all. (Who is this mysterious second non-voter?)
But if you'll look to your right, you will notice a new poll for the nine of you who care enough to A) check this blog and B) vote on a very important, world-changing poll. Check it out and let the world know what your Halloween costume plans are.
Still trying to figure out how to make a "Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese" costume
~A whopping SEVEN readers plan to vote for Barack Obama in the upcoming election.
~ZERO readers plan to vote for John McCain.
~ZERO readers plan to vote for a different candidate (way to think outside the box, friends).
~And TWO lazy bums and/or anarchists plan to not vote at all. (Who is this mysterious second non-voter?)
But if you'll look to your right, you will notice a new poll for the nine of you who care enough to A) check this blog and B) vote on a very important, world-changing poll. Check it out and let the world know what your Halloween costume plans are.
Still trying to figure out how to make a "Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese" costumeSaturday, October 18, 2008
Facebook Etiquette
Every so often, the Ex-Gifted Child is here to answer your questions on all matter of matters. Today, we shall address the world of Facebook Etiquette. On to the questions!
I'm okay with accepting friend requests from some of my work peers, but what should I do about supervisors and managers who want to be my Facebook friend? I don't want to rudely ignore them, but I don't want them to think I'm unprofessional based on my photos, interests, applications, etc.
Signed,
To Friend Or Not To Friend
Dear TFONTF,
First of all, congratulations on taking your work life seriously.
My advice: not only should you accept all friend requests from management-type people, you should actively seek out and friend everyone you work with. Do it RIGHT NOW. How else are you going to show folks that you are a team player? How else are they going to learn your name, your favorite movies, or become part of your Zombie Alliance?
Some lesser advice columnists might suggest that you first clean up your profile to make it workplace appropriate. Honestly, TFONTF, I have to heartily disagree with that. The more soul-baring information and drunken photos you reveal on Facebook, the better your supervisors will get to know the real you. And how could they not be instantly impressed and give you a corner office?
This is a win-win situation.
Dear Ex-Gifted Child,
I often receive invitations to applications that I don't wish to participate in. How do I stop receiving these invitations without having to message all my Facebook friends and ask them to please leave me alone?
Signed,
No More Lil Green Patch, Please
Dear NMLGPP,
I get this question a lot. In times like these, I suggest you fight fire with fire. Send everyone in your friend list multiple application requests every day. Start slow with applications like "Pieces of Flair" and "Word Twist," then work your way up to more annoying ones like "Send Good Karma" and "Which Sondheim Musical Are You? Quiz."
Soon, YOU will be the friend whose application requests everyone ignores. But at least your friends will have stopped sending anything to you.
I tend to update my Facebook status every few minutes. Some of my friends tease me about being addicted to updating, but I think I'm doing them a favor by keeping them looped into my exciting life and all its sordid details. What do you think?
Signed,
Amy Is Asking Advice
Dear AIAA,
Your friends sound like a bunch of whiny losers. Dump them! They don't understand that Facebook updates are one of the greatest creations of this century - dare I say this millenium? - and you are absolutely justified in updating as often as you see fit.
If anything, I suggest you take your updates a step further. For example, instead of "Amy is waking up next to a total hottie," give us some more information! Go through his wallet and find out his full name. Give us a social security number. Fill us in on the specific acts you performed and their estimated duration.
Also, feel free to use Facebook updates to work through your private emotional struggles. I've often found that when going through personal pain and angsty situations, nothing helps more than publicly broadcasting it for all the world to judge. Try starting with something like "Amy is so ugly no one will ever love me."
Amy is a hot mess
Dear Ex-Gifted Child,
I met the most amazing woman on eHarmony.com, and we had our first date last night. I'm pretty convinced she's the one, especially since she let me touch her boob after a few glasses of wine. How soon should I update my relationship status?
Signed,
Finally In Love
Dear FIL,
I recommend a window of at most 24 hours within meeting that special someone. Not only does this prove to the world that you're not a lonely, single loser, but it shows that you're serious about the commitment.
If you want to go that extra mile, tag all of your friends in a note explaining how you've finally met the man/woman/child of your dreams. Should the relationship last longer than a week, do everyone a favor and change your status to "engaged." It will save a lot of time and hassle later.
I think we should move in together
Signed,
Don't Have A "Good Side"
Dear DHAGS,
Yet another common Facebook dilemma. Your friends have painstakingly tagged everyone in their photos, including the unnamed bartender in the background and the back of Jerome's brother's girlfriend's head. And you rudely want to go in and destroy their handiwork.
To that I say, shame. Shame on you.
You should be flattered that you have friends who care enough to:
A. Invite you to events where your picture may be taken
B. Actually take pictures of you
C. Upload said pictures to Facebook in a timely fashion
D. Tag said pictures for everyone's convenience and enjoyment
If you really look that bad in these photos, I suggest cosmetic surgery.
Dear Ex-Gifted Child,
To Friend Or Not To Friend
Dear TFONTF,
First of all, congratulations on taking your work life seriously.
My advice: not only should you accept all friend requests from management-type people, you should actively seek out and friend everyone you work with. Do it RIGHT NOW. How else are you going to show folks that you are a team player? How else are they going to learn your name, your favorite movies, or become part of your Zombie Alliance?
Some lesser advice columnists might suggest that you first clean up your profile to make it workplace appropriate. Honestly, TFONTF, I have to heartily disagree with that. The more soul-baring information and drunken photos you reveal on Facebook, the better your supervisors will get to know the real you. And how could they not be instantly impressed and give you a corner office?
This is a win-win situation.
Co-workers Gone Wild
Dear Ex-Gifted Child,
I often receive invitations to applications that I don't wish to participate in. How do I stop receiving these invitations without having to message all my Facebook friends and ask them to please leave me alone?
Signed,
No More Lil Green Patch, Please
Dear NMLGPP,
I get this question a lot. In times like these, I suggest you fight fire with fire. Send everyone in your friend list multiple application requests every day. Start slow with applications like "Pieces of Flair" and "Word Twist," then work your way up to more annoying ones like "Send Good Karma" and "Which Sondheim Musical Are You? Quiz."
Soon, YOU will be the friend whose application requests everyone ignores. But at least your friends will have stopped sending anything to you.
Dear Ex-Gifted Child,
I tend to update my Facebook status every few minutes. Some of my friends tease me about being addicted to updating, but I think I'm doing them a favor by keeping them looped into my exciting life and all its sordid details. What do you think?
Signed,
Amy Is Asking Advice
Dear AIAA,
Your friends sound like a bunch of whiny losers. Dump them! They don't understand that Facebook updates are one of the greatest creations of this century - dare I say this millenium? - and you are absolutely justified in updating as often as you see fit.
If anything, I suggest you take your updates a step further. For example, instead of "Amy is waking up next to a total hottie," give us some more information! Go through his wallet and find out his full name. Give us a social security number. Fill us in on the specific acts you performed and their estimated duration.
Also, feel free to use Facebook updates to work through your private emotional struggles. I've often found that when going through personal pain and angsty situations, nothing helps more than publicly broadcasting it for all the world to judge. Try starting with something like "Amy is so ugly no one will ever love me."
Remember, the important thing is to have fun with it!!
Amy is a hot messI met the most amazing woman on eHarmony.com, and we had our first date last night. I'm pretty convinced she's the one, especially since she let me touch her boob after a few glasses of wine. How soon should I update my relationship status?
Signed,
Finally In Love
Dear FIL,
I recommend a window of at most 24 hours within meeting that special someone. Not only does this prove to the world that you're not a lonely, single loser, but it shows that you're serious about the commitment.
If you want to go that extra mile, tag all of your friends in a note explaining how you've finally met the man/woman/child of your dreams. Should the relationship last longer than a week, do everyone a favor and change your status to "engaged." It will save a lot of time and hassle later.
I think we should move in togetherDear Ex-Gifted Child,
Why do people tag me in the most unflattering photos? Is it impolite to de-tag?
Signed,
Don't Have A "Good Side"
Dear DHAGS,
Yet another common Facebook dilemma. Your friends have painstakingly tagged everyone in their photos, including the unnamed bartender in the background and the back of Jerome's brother's girlfriend's head. And you rudely want to go in and destroy their handiwork.
To that I say, shame. Shame on you.
You should be flattered that you have friends who care enough to:
A. Invite you to events where your picture may be taken
B. Actually take pictures of you
C. Upload said pictures to Facebook in a timely fashion
D. Tag said pictures for everyone's convenience and enjoyment
If you really look that bad in these photos, I suggest cosmetic surgery.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Baron Mind
We here at the Ex-Gifted Child are pleased to promote the Very Gifted works of our Still-Gifted friends. Check out the fabulous video below created by our dear friends at Campsite Studios. It's their submission for the "Doctor Horrible's Sing-Along Blog" contest. Check it out and please leave awesome comments on their page.
Campsite Studios presents "Baron Mind": http://www.vimeo.com/1934017
They're also featured on a list of the top five contestants (BRAVO!): http://www.tilzy.tv/top-five-dr-horrible-evil-league-of-evil-applicants.htm
And watch "Doctor Horrible's Sing-Along Blog" here: http://www.hulu.com/watch/28343/dr-horribles-sing-along-blog
Believe in your dreams
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Poll Update
As of right now, six Ex-Gifted Readers are planning to vote for Barack Obama. One of you is planning to be a jerk and not vote at all. Now, I know this poll (like the presidential election) is a "secret ballot," but I am hereby calling out the jerk who is not planning to vote and asking:
1. Are you just trying to be funny?
2. Are you really planning to vote for McCain but for some reason felt pressured not to choose option B?
3. Are you planning to do something even more absurd, like writing in for Hillary or Mickey Mouse?
4. Are you even registered to vote? Do you need assistance?
5. Do you realize that in New York State, it's too late to register to vote? Did you not receive all the Facebook reminders about last Friday being the deadline?
6. Are you appreciating all the attention your sly answer has provoked?
Voting is hard
Friday, October 10, 2008
Virgin Birth
Thanks to Ex-Gifted Reader Rory for sending in this fascinating article about sharks who are giving birth to baby sharks with no male DNA...meaning, they are having virgin births...meaning, there is no father in sight.
"Sharky Has No Daddies"
This kind of asexual reproduction is called parthenogenesis. According to one of the science-y types quoted in the article, "It is possible that parthenogenesis could become more common in these sharks if population densities become so low that females have trouble finding mates."
Hear that, ladies? Maybe one day we will evolve to the point of impregnating ourselves! If the Virgin Mary and sharks can do it, so can you.
If only I had used asexual contraception
Thursday, October 9, 2008
New Poll
Thanks to everyone who voted in the last poll. Turns out most of you used to be smart, talented, independent children who now lack basic intelligence, creative outlets, and individuality. Yay!
Check out the new poll to the right and let the world know who you support in the presidential election. Democracy is super!
The Roaming Gnome says "Remember to vote, and to support the faltering travel industry by booking a trip now on Travelocity.com"
Check out the new poll to the right and let the world know who you support in the presidential election. Democracy is super!
The Roaming Gnome says "Remember to vote, and to support the faltering travel industry by booking a trip now on Travelocity.com"How Do I Love Thee?
The following list is pulled from a recent AIM battle for the best sentence that follows "How do I love thee?" Names have been removed to protect the innocent.
How do I love thee? Let me not count the ways but rather say "take my word for it."
How do I love thee? ...I'm sorry I really can't talk right now – my kitchen timer just went off and I don't want dinner to burn.
How do I love thee? fdjsffkkkkk You're breaking up! dkfsfsshhhhh I’m going into a tunnel!
How do I love thee? Enough to change my sheets.
How do I love thee? ...I'm sorry I really can't talk right now – my kitchen timer just went off and I don't want dinner to burn.
How do I love thee? fdjsffkkkkk You're breaking up! dkfsfsshhhhh I’m going into a tunnel!
How do I love thee? Enough to change my sheets.
How do I love thee? I would gladly leave my disfigured first wife who was wheelchair-bound until she learned to walk again after an unfortunate car accident for you.How do I love thee? Are you sure you're late? Like, maybe it's just because you’ve been eating so much dairy or something... Pee on the stick again.
How do I love thee? I called you, didn't I?
How do I love thee? Up to and including 1.2 million dollars if I happen to have an affair that results in our divorce.
How do I love thee? Enough to call you a car service at 3am and give you 8 bucks for the fare. And try to be quiet, my roommate's asleep.
How do I love thee? I sent you TWO someecards for your birthday.How do I love thee? I will makes you very happy with passions for kind American generous man to sponsor me for visiting family in America.
How do I love thee? Plastic Duane Reade roses and a Whitman's sampler just about covers it.
How do I love thee? Even though I went black I'm thinking about going back for you.
How do I love thee? I would kill for you.
How do I love thee? I don't.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Tom Brady
...was eating lunch at Dos Caminos in SoHo today. We made eye contact as I walked by. I think I may now be with child.
Look into my pregnancy-inducing eyesThis has nothing to do with anything, but I just had to share.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Obama/McCain Debate #2
The debate just ended and I think there was a clear winner. Sadly, it wasn't Obama. Or McCain. It wasn't even hottie moderator Tom Brokaw. No, the winner of this debate was the guy who asked the first town hall question.
His name? MISTER ALAN SCHAEFER.
His question? "With the economy on the downturn and retired and older citizens and workers losing their incomes, what's the fastest, most positive solution to bail these people out of the economic ruin?"
First of all, Alan, what a stellar question. That's exactly what I would have said, had I been allowed to ask a prescreened question in a carefully vetted category of the Gallup Organization's choosing.
Secondly, Alan, the candidates really took a liking to you. They repeated your name an awful lot during their answers, and even during subsequent answers. The whole country knows you now. You are a true political superstar.
Slightly less powerful than Jesus Christ Superstar
Thirdly, Alan, I couldn't help but point you out to my Ex-Gifted Roommate every time the camera panned over to Section A on the Belmont University stage. You got a lot of camera time, Alan, and you should try to parlay this obvious photogenicality into your own primetime TV sitcom or cable news show. Have you considered a reality programme?
Alan, I wish I had a picture of you to share with everyone, but I will have to settle for a picture of the actor I think should play you in the made-for-TV miniseries based on your historic appearance, possibly entitled "First Question: The Alan Schaefer Story."
I used to be Jason Alexander.
His name? MISTER ALAN SCHAEFER.
His question? "With the economy on the downturn and retired and older citizens and workers losing their incomes, what's the fastest, most positive solution to bail these people out of the economic ruin?"
First of all, Alan, what a stellar question. That's exactly what I would have said, had I been allowed to ask a prescreened question in a carefully vetted category of the Gallup Organization's choosing.
Secondly, Alan, the candidates really took a liking to you. They repeated your name an awful lot during their answers, and even during subsequent answers. The whole country knows you now. You are a true political superstar.
Slightly less powerful than Jesus Christ SuperstarAlan, I wish I had a picture of you to share with everyone, but I will have to settle for a picture of the actor I think should play you in the made-for-TV miniseries based on your historic appearance, possibly entitled "First Question: The Alan Schaefer Story."
I used to be Jason Alexander.Martha Stewart Paint Colors
Bear with me on this one.
I have recently become aware that Martha Stewart has created a series of lovely names for her Lowe’s paint colors. They are so perfect in their simplicity that I would like to dedicate an awards presentation to them right now, in this very space. The names are generally delightful and make me want to go live in a cottage somewhere and cook food in large pots.
Without further ado…The Painty Awards.
1. The nominees for “Best Paint Color Named After an Old Timey Item” are:
Vintage Rickrack
Heirloom Shawl
Trousseau
Cameo Brooch
Scented Notepaper (please note, this paint does not actually smell like scented notepaper)
And the Painty award goes to: SCENTED NOTEPAPER, for being both an excellent old timey reference as well as misleading with the whole “scented” thing.
2. The nominees for “Best Paint Color Named After A Tasty Food” are:
Bread Dough
Macaroni
Lobster Bisque
Maple Butter
Wild Artichoke
And the Painty award goes to: MACARONI, for making Martha seem more down-to-earth than usual.
3. The nominees for “Best Paint Color Named After an Animal” are:
Caribou
French Bulldog Black
Great Blue Heron
Cricket
Mallard Duck
And the Painty award goes to: FRENCH BULLDOG BLACK, for taking a color that is just plain black and making me think of fuzzy puppies instead.
4. The nominees for “Best Paint Color Named After Something Asian” are:
Chinese Lacquer Red
India Ink
Bamboo Mat
Silk Kimono
Nori Seaweed
And the Painty award goes to: SILK KIMONO, for not indicating anything about the paint color itself but still sounding mysteriously alluring.
5. The nominees for “Best Paint Color Named After A Completely Random Object” are:
Park Bench
Windmill
Yachting Cap
Skeleton Key
Diving Board
And the award goes to: PARK BENCH. What the hell, there’s no good reason.
So thank you, Martha, for concocting the perfect batch of paint colors and equally beautiful names to go with them. You are a true master of lifestyle branding and for that I honor you with this Painty Lifetime Achievement Award.
I have recently become aware that Martha Stewart has created a series of lovely names for her Lowe’s paint colors. They are so perfect in their simplicity that I would like to dedicate an awards presentation to them right now, in this very space. The names are generally delightful and make me want to go live in a cottage somewhere and cook food in large pots.
Without further ado…The Painty Awards.
1. The nominees for “Best Paint Color Named After an Old Timey Item” are:
Vintage Rickrack
Heirloom Shawl
Trousseau
Cameo Brooch
Scented Notepaper (please note, this paint does not actually smell like scented notepaper)
And the Painty award goes to: SCENTED NOTEPAPER, for being both an excellent old timey reference as well as misleading with the whole “scented” thing.
2. The nominees for “Best Paint Color Named After A Tasty Food” are:
Bread Dough
Macaroni
Lobster Bisque
Maple Butter
Wild Artichoke
And the Painty award goes to: MACARONI, for making Martha seem more down-to-earth than usual.
3. The nominees for “Best Paint Color Named After an Animal” are:
Caribou
French Bulldog Black
Great Blue Heron
Cricket
Mallard Duck
And the Painty award goes to: FRENCH BULLDOG BLACK, for taking a color that is just plain black and making me think of fuzzy puppies instead.
4. The nominees for “Best Paint Color Named After Something Asian” are:
Chinese Lacquer Red
India Ink
Bamboo Mat
Silk Kimono
Nori Seaweed
And the Painty award goes to: SILK KIMONO, for not indicating anything about the paint color itself but still sounding mysteriously alluring.
5. The nominees for “Best Paint Color Named After A Completely Random Object” are:
Park Bench
Windmill
Yachting Cap
Skeleton Key
Diving Board
And the award goes to: PARK BENCH. What the hell, there’s no good reason.
So thank you, Martha, for concocting the perfect batch of paint colors and equally beautiful names to go with them. You are a true master of lifestyle branding and for that I honor you with this Painty Lifetime Achievement Award.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Save These Words
Thanks to alert Ex-Gifted Reader David, who sent in an article featuring 24 words the Collins English Dictionary wants to remove to “make room for up to 2,000 new entries.” This is a terrible thing! Old words are far superior to new ones.
Maybe, if these words are updated to have more current meanings, we can save them from destruction. Below are a few of my suggestions. Please implement them into your everyday vocabulary and save them from almost certain demise!
Abstergent
Actual definition: Cleansing
New definition: Having superior washboard abs as the result of elective surgery
Agrestic
Actual definition: Rural
New definition: Aggressive, Sarah Palin-style
Embrangle
Actual definition: To confuse
New definition: To sew in one’s own weave
Muliebrity
Actual definition: The condition of being a woman
New definition: The condition of being a young, hot, boozing, rehab-hopping celebrity donkey
Skirr
Actual definition: A whirring sound
New definition: To scare (as in, “don’t skirr me!”). I guess this definition already exists.
Check out the rest of the words here.
Maybe, if these words are updated to have more current meanings, we can save them from destruction. Below are a few of my suggestions. Please implement them into your everyday vocabulary and save them from almost certain demise!
Abstergent
Actual definition: Cleansing
New definition: Having superior washboard abs as the result of elective surgery
Agrestic
Actual definition: Rural
New definition: Aggressive, Sarah Palin-style
Embrangle
Actual definition: To confuse
New definition: To sew in one’s own weave
Muliebrity
Actual definition: The condition of being a woman
New definition: The condition of being a young, hot, boozing, rehab-hopping celebrity donkey
Skirr
Actual definition: A whirring sound
New definition: To scare (as in, “don’t skirr me!”). I guess this definition already exists.
Check out the rest of the words here.
Friday, October 3, 2008
Cool Jobs in a Hopeless Economy
Looking for work in these shitty economic times? Look no further. Here are the Ex-Gifted Child's top five jobs for recession job seekers:
5. Apple Seller
If the Great Depression was any indication of things to come, there should be a lot of people looking to buy cheap fruit on the streets pretty soon. So get yourself a piece of cardboard and rig up a sign on your wooden fruit-wagon. You can even set your own hours, making this great for those go-getter self-employed types.
4. Chewing Gum Marketing Guru
If there's one product that won't die, even in the midst of certain financial disaster, it's chewing gum. Every day I see a new ad for Orbit, Dentyne, Eclipse, or some other one-word gum brand. What's fascinating is that the gum is the same underneath the newly updated packaging as it was underneath the last round of updated packaging. But people keep buying it, because it's cheap (comparatively) and loses its flavor after 90 seconds.
One word: GUM.
3. Military Recruit
There is one employer always looking for recruits and that's the US military. They want YOU. To go to Iraq. So stop polishing your resume and start practicing pull-ups. HOORAY!
2. Starving Artist
Seeing as you probably can't find employment anyway, this would be an excellent opportunity to take up your long-lost creative pursuits and live in squalor in a garret somewhere. And you will become 64% hipper by not trying to find a job, but living solely for your art. The more angsty and impoverished you are, the better this chapter of your memoirs will be.
I cut off my ear to pay my rent.
1. Human Resources Person
If there's one thing companies need these days, it's HR people to fire all the other people. Beef up your resume with examples of your successful track record of rejection: dumping lovers, breaking leases, putting down sick pets. You'll be rolling in dough in no time!
5. Apple Seller
If the Great Depression was any indication of things to come, there should be a lot of people looking to buy cheap fruit on the streets pretty soon. So get yourself a piece of cardboard and rig up a sign on your wooden fruit-wagon. You can even set your own hours, making this great for those go-getter self-employed types.
4. Chewing Gum Marketing Guru
If there's one product that won't die, even in the midst of certain financial disaster, it's chewing gum. Every day I see a new ad for Orbit, Dentyne, Eclipse, or some other one-word gum brand. What's fascinating is that the gum is the same underneath the newly updated packaging as it was underneath the last round of updated packaging. But people keep buying it, because it's cheap (comparatively) and loses its flavor after 90 seconds.
One word: GUM.3. Military Recruit
There is one employer always looking for recruits and that's the US military. They want YOU. To go to Iraq. So stop polishing your resume and start practicing pull-ups. HOORAY!
2. Starving Artist
Seeing as you probably can't find employment anyway, this would be an excellent opportunity to take up your long-lost creative pursuits and live in squalor in a garret somewhere. And you will become 64% hipper by not trying to find a job, but living solely for your art. The more angsty and impoverished you are, the better this chapter of your memoirs will be.
I cut off my ear to pay my rent.1. Human Resources Person
If there's one thing companies need these days, it's HR people to fire all the other people. Beef up your resume with examples of your successful track record of rejection: dumping lovers, breaking leases, putting down sick pets. You'll be rolling in dough in no time!
Quote to Live By
"You know everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects."
I never met a Will Rogers quote I didn't like.
~Will Rogers
I never met a Will Rogers quote I didn't like.Thursday, October 2, 2008
Millicent's Musings: Duels
Once again we present an essay from our contributing writer, Millicent Farthingale.
"Greetings, gentle readers,
Many of you have shown a wisdom beyond your scant years by calling on my counsel in matters of manner, decorum, and etiquette in this ever-changing world. Fear not, you loyal, for Millicent shall steer you from the wide path of barbarism to the good road of civility!
In my day, the Defence of Honor was taken with a profound gravity. In fact, the offence of dishonouring a gentleman was so great that it often led to bloodshed in the form of a duel.
The gentleman's duel was an engagement of combat between men of a certain status- the Poor, it is widely known, do not have Honor. If a nobleman were to suffer an indignity dealt by a man of lower class, say, being called a brigand by a pennystinkard in the presence of clergy, he could simply order a robust servant to cane the provincial boor.
But if the same nobleman were called a rake by a fellow Count in the presence of the wet nurse, the nobleman must take up the pistol and proceed to mar the Count's visage with shot in an orderly and civilized manner lest his Good Name be sullied.
Remember Biff and Sully?
"Greetings, gentle readers,
Many of you have shown a wisdom beyond your scant years by calling on my counsel in matters of manner, decorum, and etiquette in this ever-changing world. Fear not, you loyal, for Millicent shall steer you from the wide path of barbarism to the good road of civility!
In my day, the Defence of Honor was taken with a profound gravity. In fact, the offence of dishonouring a gentleman was so great that it often led to bloodshed in the form of a duel.
Dishonouring a lady was settled with a tire-iron.
The gentleman's duel was an engagement of combat between men of a certain status- the Poor, it is widely known, do not have Honor. If a nobleman were to suffer an indignity dealt by a man of lower class, say, being called a brigand by a pennystinkard in the presence of clergy, he could simply order a robust servant to cane the provincial boor.
But if the same nobleman were called a rake by a fellow Count in the presence of the wet nurse, the nobleman must take up the pistol and proceed to mar the Count's visage with shot in an orderly and civilized manner lest his Good Name be sullied.
Remember Biff and Sully?It is my understanding that customs have changed since that elegant era, and now through the work of the shameless suffragettes and communist radicals in this country it has become unseemly and moreso illegal for men of refined society to shoot one another in the face for failing to stand when a lady is seated at the table.
As a modern alternative I defer to my relations in their young adulthood, who tell me that to duel in contemporary custom one must electrically correspond via 'X Box Live' in a simulacrum tournament of combat known as 'Halo 3.'
How dare you call me the Arbiter when I am in fact the Master Chief.
Though the magic lantern zoetrope frippery of 'videoed game-ing' is thoroughly 21st Century, the principles of dignity and vengeance remain the same. And so I call upon the youth to restore Honor to this age!
Do not begrudge being named a 'penniling lousehunt' without teabagging your opponent in a deathmatch!
Mock them for their inexperience as you unleash virtual hellfire!
Accuse them of being sodomites and buggerers as you frantically tap the knobs!
For the Defence of Honor!"
As a modern alternative I defer to my relations in their young adulthood, who tell me that to duel in contemporary custom one must electrically correspond via 'X Box Live' in a simulacrum tournament of combat known as 'Halo 3.'
How dare you call me the Arbiter when I am in fact the Master Chief.Though the magic lantern zoetrope frippery of 'videoed game-ing' is thoroughly 21st Century, the principles of dignity and vengeance remain the same. And so I call upon the youth to restore Honor to this age!
Do not begrudge being named a 'penniling lousehunt' without teabagging your opponent in a deathmatch!
Mock them for their inexperience as you unleash virtual hellfire!
Accuse them of being sodomites and buggerers as you frantically tap the knobs!
For the Defence of Honor!"
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