Martha Stewart Paint Colors

Bear with me on this one.

I have recently become aware that Martha Stewart has created a series of lovely names for her Lowe’s paint colors. They are so perfect in their simplicity that I would like to dedicate an awards presentation to them right now, in this very space. The names are generally delightful and make me want to go live in a cottage somewhere and cook food in large pots.

Without further ado…The Painty Awards.

1. The nominees for “Best Paint Color Named After an Old Timey Item” are:
Vintage Rickrack
Heirloom Shawl
Trousseau
Cameo Brooch
Scented Notepaper (please note, this paint does not actually smell like scented notepaper)

And the Painty award goes to: SCENTED NOTEPAPER, for being both an excellent old timey reference as well as misleading with the whole “scented” thing.

2. The nominees for “Best Paint Color Named After A Tasty Food” are:
Bread Dough
Macaroni
Lobster Bisque
Maple Butter
Wild Artichoke

And the Painty award goes to: MACARONI, for making Martha seem more down-to-earth than usual.

3. The nominees for “Best Paint Color Named After an Animal” are:
Caribou
French Bulldog Black
Great Blue Heron
Cricket
Mallard Duck

And the Painty award goes to: FRENCH BULLDOG BLACK, for taking a color that is just plain black and making me think of fuzzy puppies instead.

4. The nominees for “Best Paint Color Named After Something Asian” are:
Chinese Lacquer Red
India Ink
Bamboo Mat
Silk Kimono
Nori Seaweed

And the Painty award goes to: SILK KIMONO, for not indicating anything about the paint color itself but still sounding mysteriously alluring.

5. The nominees for “Best Paint Color Named After A Completely Random Object” are:
Park Bench
Windmill
Yachting Cap
Skeleton Key
Diving Board

And the award goes to: PARK BENCH. What the hell, there’s no good reason.

So thank you, Martha, for concocting the perfect batch of paint colors and equally beautiful names to go with them. You are a true master of lifestyle branding and for that I honor you with this Painty Lifetime Achievement Award.