Michael Crichton

As you may have heard, pop-sci author Dr. Michael Crichton passed away on Tuesday. I have started to emerge from my grief and am now ready to pay my respects.

Here, in no particular order, are some haikus I drafted while in the depths of sorrow. Each one is dedicated to one of MC's extraordinary novels.

JURASSIC PARK

Raptors, T. Rex, Lex

Where's Nedry? Fences are down

Hold on to your butts.

ANDROMEDA STRAIN

Scary viruses

Everyone is effin' dead!

Except sad baby

CONGO

Sign language monkey

That's really the only part

Worth talking about

SPHERE

Underwater orb
Submarine life sucks

Watch out for squid

TIMELINE

Time travel is fun

Until your limbs are chopped off

In medieval France

AIRFRAME

Are you serious?

Another one-word title?

Come on, Mister C.

Best book ever

New Poll!

Hey! You! Look over there to the right. There's a new poll in town. And this one is of the utmost importance.

GO VOTE on how much you love me. (Next week you can vote on how obnoxious my egocentricity is.)

Have a happy day.

1950's Educational Films

Don't you wish there were awkwardly acted, bone-chillingly conformist filmstrips that could tell you how to live your life? I do. Fortunately, the fine folks at the Prelinger Archives have a whole slew of 1950's era health class movies for our perverse enjoyment. It's fascinating that these were created not so long ago, yet our social views have changed immensely since then.

For example, do you need some helpful dating tips? In "What to Do on a Date," our friendly protagonist learns that he doesn't have to spend a lot of money - or even much effort - on planning a date with his lucky lady (and all of their friends...one-on-one dating is too dangerous).

What to Do on a Date

I must have missed the part about when to roofie her Coke.

Hey, don't you wish you had received better training for becoming a full-time homemaker? Do you lack the skills necessary for cooking nutritious foods and sewing fabulous outfits for your family? In "Why Study Home Economics," we learn all of these things and more. Especially intriguing is the notion that girls going off to college are fortunate - because they can study even more advanced home economics. Lucky bitches!

Why Study Home Economics

With all that learning about food storage and fabric identification, how will she have time to wash and set her hair??!!

And finally...are you frustrated with your low-level secretarial job? "Office Courtesy: Meeting the Public" is one of many films aimed at the gals in the typing pool who are having trouble at work. Turns out, the problem is that you're just not charming enough. Come on, show a little leg and flash those pearly whites, chickies.

Office Courtesy: Meeting the Public

Ruth and Barbara's strangely tactile relationship is further explained in 1954's "A Very Special Roommate."

Baron Mind

We here at the Ex-Gifted Child are pleased to promote the Very Gifted works of our Still-Gifted friends. Check out the fabulous video below created by our dear friends at Campsite Studios. It's their submission for the "Doctor Horrible's Sing-Along Blog" contest. Check it out and please leave awesome comments on their page.

Campsite Studios presents "Baron Mind": http://www.vimeo.com/1934017

They're also featured on a list of the top five contestants (BRAVO!): http://www.tilzy.tv/top-five-dr-horrible-evil-league-of-evil-applicants.htm

And watch "Doctor Horrible's Sing-Along Blog" here: http://www.hulu.com/watch/28343/dr-horribles-sing-along-blog

Believe in your dreams

Poll Update

As of right now, six Ex-Gifted Readers are planning to vote for Barack Obama. One of you is planning to be a jerk and not vote at all. Now, I know this poll (like the presidential election) is a "secret ballot," but I am hereby calling out the jerk who is not planning to vote and asking:

1. Are you just trying to be funny?

2. Are you really planning to vote for McCain but for some reason felt pressured not to choose option B?

3. Are you planning to do something even more absurd, like writing in for Hillary or Mickey Mouse?

4. Are you even registered to vote? Do you need assistance?

5. Do you realize that in New York State, it's too late to register to vote? Did you not receive all the Facebook reminders about last Friday being the deadline?

6. Are you appreciating all the attention your sly answer has provoked?

Voting is hard

New Poll

Thanks to everyone who voted in the last poll. Turns out most of you used to be smart, talented, independent children who now lack basic intelligence, creative outlets, and individuality. Yay!

Check out the new poll to the right and let the world know who you support in the presidential election. Democracy is super!

The Roaming Gnome says "Remember to vote, and to support the faltering travel industry by booking a trip now on Travelocity.com"

Tom Brady

...was eating lunch at Dos Caminos in SoHo today. We made eye contact as I walked by. I think I may now be with child.

Look into my pregnancy-inducing eyes

This has nothing to do with anything, but I just had to share.

Obama/McCain Debate #2

The debate just ended and I think there was a clear winner. Sadly, it wasn't Obama. Or McCain. It wasn't even hottie moderator Tom Brokaw. No, the winner of this debate was the guy who asked the first town hall question.

His name? MISTER ALAN SCHAEFER.

His question? "With the economy on the downturn and retired and older citizens and workers losing their incomes, what's the fastest, most positive solution to bail these people out of the economic ruin?"

First of all, Alan, what a stellar question. That's exactly what I would have said, had I been allowed to ask a prescreened question in a carefully vetted category of the Gallup Organization's choosing.

Secondly, Alan, the candidates really took a liking to you. They repeated your name an awful lot during their answers, and even during subsequent answers. The whole country knows you now. You are a true political superstar.

Slightly less powerful than Jesus Christ Superstar

Thirdly, Alan, I couldn't help but point you out to my Ex-Gifted Roommate every time the camera panned over to Section A on the Belmont University stage. You got a lot of camera time, Alan, and you should try to parlay this obvious photogenicality into your own primetime TV sitcom or cable news show. Have you considered a reality programme?

Alan, I wish I had a picture of you to share with everyone, but I will have to settle for a picture of the actor I think should play you in the made-for-TV miniseries based on your historic appearance, possibly entitled "First Question: The Alan Schaefer Story."

I used to be Jason Alexander.

Martha Stewart Paint Colors

Bear with me on this one.

I have recently become aware that Martha Stewart has created a series of lovely names for her Lowe’s paint colors. They are so perfect in their simplicity that I would like to dedicate an awards presentation to them right now, in this very space. The names are generally delightful and make me want to go live in a cottage somewhere and cook food in large pots.

Without further ado…The Painty Awards.

1. The nominees for “Best Paint Color Named After an Old Timey Item” are:
Vintage Rickrack
Heirloom Shawl
Trousseau
Cameo Brooch
Scented Notepaper (please note, this paint does not actually smell like scented notepaper)

And the Painty award goes to: SCENTED NOTEPAPER, for being both an excellent old timey reference as well as misleading with the whole “scented” thing.

2. The nominees for “Best Paint Color Named After A Tasty Food” are:
Bread Dough
Macaroni
Lobster Bisque
Maple Butter
Wild Artichoke

And the Painty award goes to: MACARONI, for making Martha seem more down-to-earth than usual.

3. The nominees for “Best Paint Color Named After an Animal” are:
Caribou
French Bulldog Black
Great Blue Heron
Cricket
Mallard Duck

And the Painty award goes to: FRENCH BULLDOG BLACK, for taking a color that is just plain black and making me think of fuzzy puppies instead.

4. The nominees for “Best Paint Color Named After Something Asian” are:
Chinese Lacquer Red
India Ink
Bamboo Mat
Silk Kimono
Nori Seaweed

And the Painty award goes to: SILK KIMONO, for not indicating anything about the paint color itself but still sounding mysteriously alluring.

5. The nominees for “Best Paint Color Named After A Completely Random Object” are:
Park Bench
Windmill
Yachting Cap
Skeleton Key
Diving Board

And the award goes to: PARK BENCH. What the hell, there’s no good reason.

So thank you, Martha, for concocting the perfect batch of paint colors and equally beautiful names to go with them. You are a true master of lifestyle branding and for that I honor you with this Painty Lifetime Achievement Award.

Millicent's Musings: Duels

Once again we present an essay from our contributing writer, Millicent Farthingale.

"Greetings, gentle readers,

Many of you have shown a wisdom beyond your scant years by calling on my counsel in matters of manner, decorum, and etiquette in this ever-changing world. Fear not, you loyal, for Millicent shall steer you from the wide path of barbarism to the good road of civility!

In my day, the Defence of Honor was taken with a profound gravity. In fact, the offence of dishonouring a gentleman was so great that it often led to bloodshed in the form of a duel.

Dishonouring a lady was settled with a tire-iron.

The gentleman's duel was an engagement of combat between men of a certain status- the Poor, it is widely known, do not have Honor. If a nobleman were to suffer an indignity dealt by a man of lower class, say, being called a brigand by a pennystinkard in the presence of clergy, he could simply order a robust servant to cane the provincial boor.

But if the same nobleman were called a rake by a fellow Count in the presence of the wet nurse, the nobleman must take up the pistol and proceed to mar the Count's visage with shot in an orderly and civilized manner lest his Good Name be sullied.

Remember Biff and Sully?

It is my understanding that customs have changed since that elegant era, and now through the work of the shameless suffragettes and communist radicals in this country it has become unseemly and moreso illegal for men of refined society to shoot one another in the face for failing to stand when a lady is seated at the table.

As a modern alternative I defer to my relations in their young adulthood, who tell me that to duel in contemporary custom one must electrically correspond via 'X Box Live' in a simulacrum tournament of combat known as 'Halo 3.'

How dare you call me the Arbiter when I am in fact the Master Chief.

Though the magic lantern zoetrope frippery of 'videoed game-ing' is thoroughly 21st Century, the principles of dignity and vengeance remain the same. And so I call upon the youth to restore Honor to this age!

Do not begrudge being named a 'penniling lousehunt' without teabagging your opponent in a deathmatch!

Mock them for their inexperience as you unleash virtual hellfire!

Accuse them of being sodomites and buggerers as you frantically tap the knobs!

For the Defence of Honor!"

Derrick Comedy Trailer

Every so often, we here at The Ex-Gifted Child are honored to promote friends who have retained their Giftedness into adulthood. So today, please enjoy the brand-spankin' new trailer for the upcoming Derrick Comedy movie, featuring our very Gifted friends from...Derrick Comedy.

But first, what is the secret to staying Gifted? According to Dan Eckman, video director for Derrick: "Dick jokes."

And now, the trailer. Watch and support!

If that whets your appetite, check out my favorite Derrick sketch here.

Pirates!

The U.S. is going through turbulent times. An out-of-control economy, an unpopular war, an upcoming election. But we should all take a moment to be grateful. Why? Because at least we don't have PIRATES.

Yes, pirates, who are apparently making a good living off the coast of Somalia. The New York Times has a great article about a recent pirate hijacking near Kenya. Apparently these hep cats like taking ships hostage and demanding insane ransoms. In this case, they are asking for $35 million for the ship full of Soviet tanks and weapons that they are holding.

This begs the question, how was a speedboat full of otherwise unemployed scalawags able to seize a ship stocked with Soviet tanks and weapons?

Also interesting to note is that while they are asking for $35 million, the average ransom they receive is $1-2 million. If any HR professionals want to consult with the pirates on their negotiating skills, this would be a killer opportunity.

The pirates stole my will to eat.

Presenting Millicent's Musings (or, Farthingale's Finds)

Every so often, Ex-Gifted Child Millicent Farthingale will grace us with her presence in this humble space. As someone who exited Gifted Childhood before the Industrial Revolution, we always welcome her sage insight.


"Greetings, gentle Readers.

If you will permit me a moment of indecorous willfulness, I simply must opine once more on the young people of this age. In the days of my virtuous youth, young men entertained themselves by leafing through collections of etchings while ladies partook in calming embroidery.

Civil, pleasant conversation was made at every approach and friendly acknowledgments given to passing strangers enforced bonds of fond regard. Of course, this was excepting servants, laborers, the poor, those of Afric or Oriental backgrounds, men suspected of buggery, those suffering maladies of the skin or brain, the unfashionable, and unmarried ladies of ill repute.

Presently, the generation scarcely makes time for parlor room entertaining, favoring in its stead the bothersome calls of mobile telephony typographical transmission and the You Tube, where strumpets and harlots prance before the Camera in immodest garments revealing the very appendages of their maternity.

For shame, youth!"


...Millicent also included the following link, which should be of interest to those who agree that the 21st century causes one great melancholy.

Ex-Gifted Poll

Hello friends! You may have noticed that we have a POLL on the site for the first time ever! Check it out to the right. Answer. Feel better about identifying the cause of your Ex-Giftedness.

I played the violin until my fingers bled

Broadway Bound

Hello, my dear Ex-Gifted Children, and welcome to the Great White Way edition of this blog. Enjoy some fun facts about the upcoming Broadway season:

Happy Fact:

David Mamet’s Speed-the-Plow is coming to Broadway, with Jeremy Piven (yes, that Jeremy Piven) and Elizabeth Moss (from Mad Men) – two of my favorite TV actors! Yay.

Sad Fact:

Godspell is no longer coming to Broadway. This is old news, but I can’t seem to let it go. A compassionate donor couldn’t swoop in at the last minute and provide the measly $1 million they needed to mount the production? Pathetic. I guess we’ll have to settle for Hair as our rock musical of the season…Berger looks like Jesus anyway.

British Fact:

Harry Potter gets naked in Equus. There are already pictures online (by that I mean pictures more graphic than the one below). Awkward...

"Yay, 'Arry!"

Annoying Fact:

Shrek the Musical continues the glut of movie-based shows that are clogging Broadway’s once healthy arteries. Even with the lovely talents of Brian D’Arcy James, Sutton Foster, and Christopher Sieber, this is likely to be a big piece of lameness. Prove me wrong, Shrek, prove me wrong.

Spoke Too Soon Fact:

Okay, maybe there is one movie-to-musical adaptation I’m eager to see. And that’s 9 to 5, featuring the talented trio of Allison Janney, Megan Hilty, and Stephanie J. Block. This could sink or swim, but I’m crossing my fingers that it’s okay. Apparently there are technical issues happening in their out-of-town tryout, but with Dolly Parton at the helm, I trust everything will come out fine.

I'm a smart, sassy businesswoman

Little Known Fact:

To reach Operating Thetan Level XVII, you must perform in a Broadway production of an Arthur Miller play. So congratulations, Katie Holmes, looks like you are moving up the Fake Religion Ladder with your debut in All My Sons. But really, who cares. We should all be more excited about seeing John Lithgow, Patrick Wilson, Dianne Wiest, and L. Ron Hubbard in his first stage appearance since “Dianetics: The Musical.”

It's an eruption of mental instability

So get out there and support the Broadway community! Buy tickets! (And/or steal comps from well-placed friends.)

Etiquette...Get Some.

Just for fun, here are some snippets from the 1872 runaway best-seller, The Ladies' Book of Etiquette, and Manual of Politeness by the esteemed Florence Hartley. Read and heed, ladies, read and heed:










You heard the lady, stop sucking on your parasol! Find out what other social sins you're committing here.

Physics & The Creation of the Universe

Check out this TED talk featuring full-time hottie (and part-time physicist) Brian Cox. If you have 15 minutes, watch the whole thing and learn a little something about physics. If you're in a rush, skip ahead to 11 minutes to hear his explanation of the universe's creation.



If nothing else, just enjoy Brian's charming accent and boyish good looks. Need a lab assistant?

Emily Dickinson

You know who's awesome, when she's not being crazy morbid? Emily Dickinson.

Come here often?

E.D. (as I call her - don't confuse this with the all-too-common male ailment) has the distinction of having written the first and only poem I have ever memorized:

Exultation is the going
Of an inland soul to sea,
Past the houses -- past the headlands --
Into deep Eternity --

Bred as we, among the mountains,
Can the sailor understand
The divine intoxication
Of the first league out from land?

This was published in 1924, 38 years after her death. She only published 7 poems during her lifetime, after being continually discouraged by the poet Thomas Wentworth Higginson. Check out this selection of their correspondence, published in 1891 in The Atlantic Monthly.

So thank you, Emily Dickinson, for your vivacious wordsmithery - and for giving hope to pallid, garret-bound Emo poets everywhere.

Welcome to The Ex-Gifted Child

Greetings!

Welcome to The Ex-Gifted Child.

Our mission: to bring enlightenment and intelligence back into the minds of those people who once considered themselves Gifted Children – but are now closer to being Mediocre Adults. Let’s relive the glory days, when learning was fun and we thought we were hot stuff! Let’s once again impress people with our impeccable apostrophe usage, our unsettling vocabularies, and our effortless ability to identify toxic plants!

Please check back frequently for mind-strengthening posts and clever insight. And don’t forget to tell your Ex-Gifted friends.