tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-76776745276402844662024-02-07T09:35:01.762-05:00The Ex-Gifted ChildIrreverent intellect for those of us who started out smart but got lost along the way.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger59125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7677674527640284466.post-66323075205139820572008-12-07T22:38:00.002-05:002008-12-07T22:40:06.575-05:00Blog Hiatus!Hi everyone!<br /><br />The Ex-Gifted Child is going on a brief hiatus. Check out the blogs listed in the sidebar for some bloggertainment in my absence!<br /><br />;)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7677674527640284466.post-76089055297412671342008-11-07T16:38:00.012-05:002008-11-07T17:17:26.897-05:00Michael Crichton<div align="left">As you may have heard, pop-sci author Dr. Michael Crichton passed away on Tuesday. I have started to emerge from my grief and am now ready to pay my respects. </div><div align="left"><br /></div><div align="left">Here, in no particular order, are some haikus I drafted while in the depths of sorrow. Each one is dedicated to one of MC's extraordinary novels.<br /><br /></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left">JURASSIC PARK</div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"><br />Raptors, T. Rex, Lex</div><div align="left">Where's Nedry? Fences are down</div><div align="left">Hold on to your butts. </div><div align="left"><br /></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left">ANDROMEDA STRAIN</div><div align="left"><br />Scary viruses</div><div align="left">Everyone is effin' dead!</div><div align="left">Except sad baby</div><div align="left"><br />CONGO</div><div align="left"><br />Sign language monkey</div><div align="left">That's really the only part</div><div align="left">Worth talking about</div><div align="left"><br />SPHERE</div><div align="left"><br />Underwater orb<br />Submarine life sucks</div><div align="left">Watch out for squid<br /><br /></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left">TIMELINE</div><div align="left"></div><div align="left">Time travel is fun</div><div align="left">Until your limbs are chopped off</div><div align="left">In medieval France<br /><br /></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left">AIRFRAME</div><div align="left"></div><div align="left">Are you serious?</div><div align="left">Another one-word title?</div><div align="left">Come on, Mister C.</div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"></div><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; width: 150px; height: 235px; text-align: center;" alt="" src="http://www.zone-sf.com/images/jurassicbk.jpg" border="0" /> <p align="center"><em>Best book ever</em></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7677674527640284466.post-66228968715184889632008-11-06T09:02:00.001-05:002008-11-06T11:04:42.748-05:00New Poll!Hey! You! Look over there to the right. There's a new poll in town. And this one is of the utmost importance.<br /><br />GO VOTE on how much you love me. (Next week you can vote on how obnoxious my egocentricity is.)<br /><br />Have a happy day.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7677674527640284466.post-6142516662750365232008-11-05T08:42:00.009-05:002008-11-05T09:33:06.204-05:00Obama PredictionsI apologize for the lack of updates recently. The Ex-Gifted Child and Friends have been struck by election fever and unable to focus on anything but Barack Obama's charming smile and hot bod.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://blog.engage.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/obama.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 414px;" src="http://blog.engage.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/obama.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">Campaign here often?</span> </div><br />But now that he's elected, it's time to sit back and watch the miracles happen! Here are my predictions for the first six weeks of Obama's presidency.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">1. World Peace. </span><br /><br />We all know Barack is planning to personally fly over to Iraq, pick up all the US troops in his super-rad presidential helicopter, and deliver them back to the front stoops of their respective homes ASAP. And the rest of the world, reduced to enamored schoolgirls in Obama's wake, will call for a moratorium on all military actions! <br /><br />Then everyone will hold hands across the globe and sing "Kumbayah."<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://img0.liveinternet.ru/images/attach/b/2/26/737/26737953_1187867524_Mr_Mistoffelees3.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 249px; height: 300px;" src="http://img0.liveinternet.ru/images/attach/b/2/26/737/26737953_1187867524_Mr_Mistoffelees3.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">Or, "Mister Mistoffelees"</span><br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">2. Socialist Health Care</span><br /><br />I don't know about you, but I can't wait for my medical care to become subsidized by that most efficient of entities, the United States Government. If a trip to the doctor's office during an Obama presidency is anything like my trip to the polls yesterday, we're all in for a real treat. <br /><br />There will be no long lines out the door...they'll find your name in their medical database right away...the MRI machine will work perfectly...and everyone will speak coherent English.<br /><br />And it's going to be free! 100% free! For everyone! All the time! Eeeeeee!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">3. Gay Marriage</span><br /><br />We all know that Obama only professed to be against gay marriage in order to win over moderate and conservative voters. He's GOT to believe in gay marriage. I mean, he has to. Right? Right?<br /><br />And he's going to make it legal in all 50 states just as soon as Congress is back in session, right?<br /><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: left;"> What's that? Proposition 8 just passed in California, revoking the rights of same-sex couples to marry?<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://toughpigs.com/uploaded_images/Statlerandwaldorf-793706.JPG"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 350px; height: 228px;" src="http://toughpigs.com/uploaded_images/Statlerandwaldorf-793706.JPG" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">"But Waldorf, you said this would be our year."</span><br /></div></div><br /></div><span style="font-weight: bold;">4. No More Taxes</span><br /><br />Although he didn't mention it in any of his campaign speeches, I have an inkling that Obama will do away with income taxes. It just seems like the right thing to do, doesn't it? Especially in this economic climate. <br /><br />I, personally, am excited to stop paying taxes. And with all the time Barack will save from not having to count our tax dollars, he'll have time to implement wide-reaching social programs for our children, elderly, and veterans. That'll show John McCain, that tax-hungry Republican crazy.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">5. Sasha and Malia Become the New Olsen Twins</span><br /><br />No, not the present day, strung-out, fur-wearing, wrist-cutting Olsen twins. The cute, wholesome Mary-Kate and Ashley of the Full House years. Sasha and Malia are just too darn adorable to NOT star in their own series of direct-to-DVD kid's movies. And with Michelle's help, they could definitely design their own line of tween wear at H&M or Target.<br /><br />They could even develop a strangely close relationship with Bob Saget, if necessary.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51A28J5CS6L._SL500.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 325px; height: 475px;" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51A28J5CS6L._SL500.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">"Someday, let's turn crazy."<br /><br /></span></div></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7677674527640284466.post-50001075042062554922008-10-30T09:20:00.000-04:002008-10-30T13:45:03.119-04:00Buy Term PapersCheck out this lovely article about term paper mills. I wish I had known about this in college.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.thesmartset.com/article/article10100801.aspx">http://www.thesmartset.com/article/article10100801.aspx</a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7677674527640284466.post-2336504172026938162008-10-26T22:45:00.012-04:002008-10-27T09:30:23.305-04:001950's Educational FilmsDon't you wish there were awkwardly acted, bone-chillingly conformist filmstrips that could tell you how to live your life? I do. Fortunately, the fine folks at the <a href="http://www.archive.org/details/prelinger">Prelinger Archives</a> have a whole slew of 1950's era health class movies for our perverse enjoyment. It's fascinating that these were created not so long ago, yet our social views have changed immensely since then.<br /><br />For example, do you need some helpful dating tips? In "What to Do on a Date," our friendly protagonist learns that he doesn't have to spend a lot of money - or even much effort - on planning a date with his lucky lady (and all of their friends...one-on-one dating is too dangerous).<br /><a href="http://ia300134.us.archive.org/0/items/WhattoDo1950/WhattoDo1950.mpg"><br /></a><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://ia300134.us.archive.org/0/items/WhattoDo1950/WhattoDo1950.mpg">What to Do on a Date</a><br /></div><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://ia300134.us.archive.org/0/items/WhattoDo1950/WhattoDo1950.thumbs/WhattoDo1950_00000008.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 160px; height: 110px;" src="http://ia300134.us.archive.org/0/items/WhattoDo1950/WhattoDo1950.thumbs/WhattoDo1950_00000008.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">I must have missed the part about when to roofie her Coke.</span><br /></div><br />Hey, don't you wish you had received better training for becoming a full-time homemaker? Do you lack the skills necessary for cooking nutritious foods and sewing fabulous outfits for your family? In "Why Study Home Economics," we learn all of these things and more. Especially intriguing is the notion that girls going off to college are fortunate - because they can study even more advanced home economics. Lucky bitches!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://ia300104.us.archive.org/3/items/WhyStudy1955/WhyStudy1955.mpg">Why Study Home Economics</a><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://ia300105.us.archive.org/3/items/WhyStudy1955/WhyStudy1955.thumbs/WhyStudy1955_00000016.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 160px; height: 110px;" src="http://ia300105.us.archive.org/3/items/WhyStudy1955/WhyStudy1955.thumbs/WhyStudy1955_00000016.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">With all that learning about food storage and fabric identification, how will she have time to wash and set her hair??!!</span><br /></div></div><br />And finally...are you frustrated with your low-level secretarial job? "Office Courtesy: Meeting the Public" is one of many films aimed at the gals in the typing pool who are having trouble at work. Turns out, the problem is that you're just not charming enough. Come on, show a little leg and flash those pearly whites, chickies.<br /><a href="http://ia300210.us.archive.org/3/items/OfficeCo1952/OfficeCo1952.mpg"><br /></a><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://ia300210.us.archive.org/3/items/OfficeCo1952/OfficeCo1952.mpg">Office Courtesy: Meeting the Public</a><br /></div><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://ia300210.us.archive.org/3/items/OfficeCo1952/OfficeCo1952.thumbs/OfficeCo1952_00000015.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 160px; height: 110px;" src="http://ia300210.us.archive.org/3/items/OfficeCo1952/OfficeCo1952.thumbs/OfficeCo1952_00000015.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">Ruth and Barbara's strangely tactile relationship is further explained in 1954's "A Very Special Roommate."</span></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7677674527640284466.post-2604386583559579692008-10-23T06:49:00.000-04:002008-10-23T07:25:31.538-04:00Quote to Live By"I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate."<br /><br />~George Burns<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.thedeets.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/millionaire_idiot_fail.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 278px;" src="http://www.thedeets.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/millionaire_idiot_fail.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">Or, just a failure in general</span><br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7677674527640284466.post-91849192772700859892008-10-22T09:12:00.007-04:002008-10-22T19:57:28.498-04:00Flu Prevention TipsWith fall well under way, flu season is upon us. In the interest of keeping Ex-Gifted Children everywhere healthy, here are some handy flu prevention tips.<br /><br /><strong>1. Think About Not Getting the Flu</strong><br /><br /><div align="left">This is the most important thing you can do. According to “The Secret,” you can do whatever you want if you just think about it hard enough. So…every hour on the hour, take a moment to think “No Flu For Me, Thanks.”<br /><br /></div><div align="left"> </div><div align="left"></div><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; width: 200px; text-align: center;" alt="" src="http://healthyhollywood.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/oprah-winfrey-vegan-detox.jpg" border="0" /> <p align="center"><em>Or, "Give Me The Strength Of A Thousand Oprahs"</em><br /><strong></strong></p><p align="left"><strong>2. Wash Your Hands</strong></p><div align="left"></div><div align="left">One of the simplest things you can do is to make sure you keep your hands clean. It can be hard to remember, though! Take a tip from Howie Mandel of “Deal or No Deal” and duct tape a Ziploc bag filled with Purell around your hands. You may not be able to use your hands, but at least you will never have to wash them.<br /><br /></div><div align="left"> </div><div align="left"></div><div align="center"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; width: 200px; text-align: center;" alt="" src="http://www.michelle-kaplan.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/07/howiepoint.jpg" border="0" /><em>Don't Come Near Me </em></div><em></em><div align="left"><em><br /></em></div><strong>3. Get A Flu Shot</strong><br /><br />This is a controversial tip, but I’m going out on a ledge here and including on the list. My biggest issue with the flu shot is that it sort of hurts. I don’t know that the benefit outweighs the brief, stinging pain. But if you’re bored and have ten bucks to waste and you like having someone stick a needle in your arm that may only prevent one specific type of influenza, by all means, go get a flu shot.<br /><br /><div align="left"> </div><div align="left"><strong></strong></div><div align="left"><strong>4. Stay Away From Children and Older People</strong></div><br /><div align="left">If at all possible, limit your contact with children and the elderly, who are more prone to contracting winter illness. </div><br />For example, if you have children, have them live in a tent in the backyard for the winter (kids think this is super fun!). If you work in a school, take an emergency maternity leave until spring (note that this may not work for most male teachers). If you take care of an elderly relative, tell them you’ll be busy for the rest of the winter, and their contagious ass is on its own.<br /><br /><div align="center"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; width: 200px; text-align: center;" alt="" src="http://www.worldproutassembly.org/grandma.jpg" border="0" /> <em>Sorry Grandma</em> </div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7677674527640284466.post-48285871437301464502008-10-20T19:44:00.004-04:002008-10-20T20:00:03.574-04:00Halloween Costume PollJust to wrap up the last poll:<br /><br />~A whopping SEVEN readers plan to vote for Barack Obama in the upcoming election.<br />~ZERO readers plan to vote for John McCain.<br />~ZERO readers plan to vote for a different candidate (way to think outside the box, friends).<br />~And TWO lazy bums and/or anarchists plan to not vote at all. (Who is this mysterious second non-voter?)<br /><br />But if you'll look to your right, you will notice a new poll for the nine of you who care enough to A) check this blog and B) vote on a very important, world-changing poll. Check it out and let the world know what your Halloween costume plans are.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.johnmariani.com/archive/2006/060409/Virgin_Mary_Grilled_Cheese_Sandwich.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 200px;" src="http://www.johnmariani.com/archive/2006/060409/Virgin_Mary_Grilled_Cheese_Sandwich.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">Still trying to figure out how to make a "Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese" costume</span><br /><br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7677674527640284466.post-37462090252529411622008-10-18T22:58:00.003-04:002008-10-19T23:18:24.405-04:00Facebook EtiquetteEvery so often, the Ex-Gifted Child is here to answer your questions on all matter of matters. Today, we shall address the world of Facebook Etiquette. On to the questions!<br /><div> </div><br /><div style="font-weight: bold;">Dear Ex-Gifted Child,</div><br /><div> </div>I'm okay with accepting friend requests from some of my work peers, but what should I do about supervisors and managers who want to be my Facebook friend? I don't want to rudely ignore them, but I don't want them to think I'm unprofessional based on my photos, interests, applications, etc.<br /><br /><div> </div>Signed,<br />To Friend Or Not To Friend<br /><br />Dear TFONTF,<br /><br />First of all, congratulations on taking your work life seriously.<br /><br />My advice: not only should you accept all friend requests from management-type people, you should a<span style="font-style: italic;">ctively seek out and friend everyone you work with</span>. Do it RIGHT NOW. How else are you going to show folks that you are a team player? How else are they going to learn your name, your favorite movies, or become part of your Zombie Alliance?<br /><br />Some lesser advice columnists might suggest that you first clean up your profile to make it workplace appropriate. Honestly, TFONTF, I have to heartily disagree with that. The more soul-baring information and drunken photos you reveal on Facebook, the better your supervisors will get to know the real you. And how could they not be instantly impressed and give you a corner office?<br /><br />This is a win-win situation.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://i202.photobucket.com/albums/aa110/jevett_photos/spring-break-2007__32.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 200px;" src="http://i202.photobucket.com/albums/aa110/jevett_photos/spring-break-2007__32.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><div> </div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Co-workers Gone Wild</span></div><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Dear Ex-Gifted Child,</span><br /><br />I often receive invitations to applications that I don't wish to participate in. How do I stop receiving these invitations without having to message all my Facebook friends and ask them to please leave me alone?<br /><br />Signed,<br />No More Lil Green Patch, Please<br /><br />Dear NMLGPP,<br /><br />I get this question a lot. In times like these, I suggest you fight fire with fire. Send everyone in your friend list multiple application requests every day. Start slow with applications like "Pieces of Flair" and "Word Twist," then work your way up to more annoying ones like "Send Good Karma" and "Which Sondheim Musical Are You? Quiz."<br /><br />Soon, YOU will be the friend whose application requests everyone ignores. But at least your friends will have stopped sending anything to you.<br /><div> </div><br /><br /><div style="font-weight: bold;">Dear Ex-Gifted Child,</div><div> </div><br />I tend to update my Facebook status every few minutes. Some of my friends tease me about being addicted to updating, but I think I'm doing them a favor by keeping them looped into my exciting life and all its sordid details. What do you think?<br /><br />Signed,<br />Amy Is Asking Advice<br /><br />Dear AIAA,<br /><br />Your friends sound like a bunch of whiny losers. Dump them! They don't understand that Facebook updates are one of the greatest creations of this century - dare I say this millenium? - and you are absolutely justified in updating as often as you see fit.<br /><br />If anything, I suggest you take your updates a step further. For example, instead of "Amy is waking up next to a total hottie," give us some more information! Go through his wallet and find out his full name. Give us a social security number. Fill us in on the specific acts you performed and their estimated duration.<br /><br />Also, feel free to use Facebook updates to work through your private emotional struggles. I've often found that when going through personal pain and angsty situations, nothing helps more than publicly broadcasting it for all the world to judge. Try starting with something like "Amy is so ugly no one will ever love me."<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: left;">Remember, the important thing is to have fun with it!!<br /></div><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://img.thesun.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00506/Amy_Winehouse_506734a.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 200px;" src="http://img.thesun.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00506/Amy_Winehouse_506734a.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">Amy is a hot mess</span><br /></div><br /><br /><div> </div><span style="font-weight: bold;">Dear Ex-Gifted Child,</span><div> </div><br />I met the most amazing woman on eHarmony.com, and we had our first date last night. I'm pretty convinced she's the one, especially since she let me touch her boob after a few glasses of wine. How soon should I update my relationship status?<br /><br />Signed,<br />Finally In Love<br /><br />Dear FIL,<br /><br />I recommend a window of at most 24 hours within meeting that special someone. Not only does this prove to the world that you're not a lonely, single loser, but it shows that you're serious about the commitment.<br /><br />If you want to go that extra mile, tag all of your friends in a note explaining how you've finally met the man/woman/child of your dreams. Should the relationship last longer than a week, do everyone a favor and change your status to "engaged." It will save a lot of time and hassle later.<br /><div> </div><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://wealthbuildingtycoon.com/CrazyMan-01.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 200px;" src="http://wealthbuildingtycoon.com/CrazyMan-01.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">I think we should move in together</span><br /><br /><br /></div><div style="font-weight: bold;">Dear Ex-Gifted Child, </div><div> </div><br /><div>Why do people tag me in the most unflattering photos? Is it impolite to de-tag?</div><br />Signed,<br />Don't Have A "Good Side"<br /><br />Dear DHAGS,<br /><br />Yet another common Facebook dilemma. Your friends have painstakingly tagged everyone in their photos, including the unnamed bartender in the background and the back of Jerome's brother's girlfriend's head. And you rudely want to go in and destroy their handiwork.<br /><br />To that I say, shame. Shame on you.<br /><br />You should be flattered that you have friends who care enough to:<br /><br />A. Invite you to events where your picture may be taken<br />B. Actually take pictures of you<br />C. Upload said pictures to Facebook in a timely fashion<br />D. Tag said pictures for everyone's convenience and enjoyment<br /><br />If you really look that bad in these photos, I suggest cosmetic surgery.<br /><div> </div><br /><br /><div> </div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7677674527640284466.post-9958485507089319262008-10-15T08:52:00.000-04:002008-10-15T11:26:46.065-04:00Baron Mind<div align="left">We here at the Ex-Gifted Child are pleased to promote the Very Gifted works of our Still-Gifted friends. Check out the fabulous video below created by our dear friends at Campsite Studios. It's their submission for the "Doctor Horrible's Sing-Along Blog" contest. Check it out and please leave awesome comments on their page.<br /></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"><br /></div><div align="left">Campsite Studios presents "Baron Mind": <a href="http://www.vimeo.com/1934017">http://www.vimeo.com/1934017</a></div><div align="left"><br /></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left">They're also featured on a list of the top five contestants (BRAVO!): <a href="http://www.tilzy.tv/top-five-dr-horrible-evil-league-of-evil-applicants.htm">http://www.tilzy.tv/top-five-dr-horrible-evil-league-of-evil-applicants.htm</a></div><div align="left"><br /></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left">And watch "Doctor Horrible's Sing-Along Blog" here: <a href="http://www.hulu.com/watch/28343/dr-horribles-sing-along-blog">http://www.hulu.com/watch/28343/dr-horribles-sing-along-blog</a></div><div align="center"><br /></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"></div><img style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://www.smallicombe.com/animage/pig.jpg" border="0" /> <p align="center"><em>Believe in your dreams</em></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7677674527640284466.post-20588077279612872032008-10-14T09:03:00.002-04:002008-10-14T15:18:41.986-04:00Poll Update<div align="left">As of right now, six Ex-Gifted Readers are planning to vote for Barack Obama. One of you is planning to be a jerk and not vote at all. Now, I know this poll (like the presidential election) is a "secret ballot," but I am hereby calling out the jerk who is not planning to vote and asking:</div><div align="left"><br /></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left">1. Are you just trying to be funny?</div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"><br /></div><div align="left">2. Are you really planning to vote for McCain but for some reason felt pressured not to choose option B?</div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"><br /></div><div align="left">3. Are you planning to do something even more absurd, like writing in for Hillary or Mickey Mouse?</div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"><br /></div><div align="left">4. Are you even registered to vote? Do you need assistance?</div><div align="left"><br /></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left">5. Do you realize that in New York State, it's too late to register to vote? Did you not receive all the Facebook reminders about last Friday being the deadline?</div><div align="left"><br /></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left">6. Are you appreciating all the attention your sly answer has provoked?</div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"><br /></div><div align="left"></div><p align="left"><img style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://www.thehandicrafts.net/static/img/uploads/blog/barbie.jpg" border="0" /></p><p align="center"><em>Voting is hard</em></p><p align="center"></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7677674527640284466.post-47087890787919303102008-10-10T09:33:00.003-04:002008-10-10T12:45:07.673-04:00Virgin Birth<div align="left">Thanks to Ex-Gifted Reader Rory for sending in <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/10/10/shark.virgin.birth.ap/index.html">this fascinating article</a> about sharks who are giving birth to baby sharks with no male DNA...meaning, they are having virgin births...meaning, there is no father in sight.</div><div align="left"> </div><div align="center"><img style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://newsrawnews.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/great-white-shark-picture-014.jpg" border="0" /></div><div align="center"><em>"Sharky Has No Daddies"</em><br /></div><div align="center"><br /></div><div align="center"></div><div align="left">This kind of asexual reproduction is called parthenogenesis. According to one of the science-y types quoted in the article, "It is possible that parthenogenesis could become more common in these sharks if population densities become so low that females have trouble finding mates."</div><div align="left"><br /></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left">Hear that, ladies? Maybe one day we will evolve to the point of impregnating ourselves! If the Virgin Mary and sharks can do it, so can you.</div><div align="center"><br /></div><div align="center"></div><img style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://www.ilianrachov.com/ikons/images/the%20virgin%20mary%20with%20gesus.tempera%20on%20wood.30%20x%2020cm.collection%20of%20mons.fabio%20attard.malta.jpg" border="0" /> <p align="center"><em>If only I had used asexual contraception</em><br /><br /></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7677674527640284466.post-83191391059337136612008-10-09T21:25:00.003-04:002008-10-09T21:35:56.639-04:00New PollThanks to everyone who voted in the last poll. Turns out most of you used to be smart, talented, independent children who now lack basic intelligence, creative outlets, and individuality. Yay!<br /><br />Check out the new poll to the right and let the world know who you support in the presidential election. Democracy is super!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.cryptomundo.com/wp-content/uploads/travelocity-gnome.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 200px;" src="http://www.cryptomundo.com/wp-content/uploads/travelocity-gnome.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">The Roaming Gnome says "Remember to vote, and to support the faltering travel industry by booking a trip now on Travelocity.com"<br /><br /></span></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7677674527640284466.post-82560147154151899272008-10-09T09:30:00.005-04:002008-10-15T12:21:34.820-04:00How Do I Love Thee?<div align="left"><em>The following list is pulled from a recent AIM battle for the best sentence that follows "How do I love thee?" Names have been removed to protect the innocent.</em> <p></p></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left">How do I love thee? Let me not count the ways but rather say "take my word for it."<br /><br />How do I love thee? ...I'm sorry I really can't talk right now – my kitchen timer just went off and I don't want dinner to burn.<br /><br />How do I love thee? fdjsffkkkkk You're breaking up! dkfsfsshhhhh I’m going into a tunnel!<br /><br />How do I love thee? Enough to change my sheets. </div><div align="center"><br /></div><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: center"><img style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 200px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://llnw.image.cbslocal.com/0/2008/03/05/320x240/john_mccain_80125399.jpg" border="0" /> <em>How do I love thee? I would gladly leave my disfigured first wife who was wheelchair-bound until she learned to walk again after an unfortunate car accident for you.</em><br /></div><p align="left">How do I love thee? Are you sure you're late? Like, maybe it's just because you’ve been eating so much dairy or something... Pee on the stick again.<br /><br />How do I love thee? I called you, didn't I?<br /><br />How do I love thee? Up to and including 1.2 million dollars if I happen to have an affair that results in our divorce.<br /><br />How do I love thee? Enough to call you a car service at 3am and give you 8 bucks for the fare. And try to be quiet, my roommate's asleep.<br /></p><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: center"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5255194257495362674" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjF1qPMHSNxUwfyGwp9DtztQhfMZgQwqzB0VnLL2cDVQ3P-iFLaM_P4OTijh0vuvomQ61p9sMJQPN43tFVsOEb7tUY0LJbuMoIJ3xkjHDQfcH4zNz2UrCWwZ1PeHBkXBW0miVLXwEeRXwo/s200/Someecards.jpg" border="0" /> <em>How do I love thee? I sent you TWO someecards for your birthday.</em></div><em></em><p>How do I love thee? I will makes you very happy with passions for kind American generous man to sponsor me for visiting family in America.<br /><br />How do I love thee? Plastic Duane Reade roses and a Whitman's sampler just about covers it.<br /><br />How do I love thee? Even though I went black I'm thinking about going back for you.<br /></p><img style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 200px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://evilbeetgossip.film.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/09/oj_simpson.jpg" border="0" /> <p style="TEXT-ALIGN: center"><em>How do I love thee? I would kill for you.</em><br /></p><p>How do I love thee? I don't. </p><p></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7677674527640284466.post-4448461885050407082008-10-08T18:35:00.001-04:002008-10-08T18:58:08.411-04:00Tom Brady<div align="left">...was eating lunch at Dos Caminos in SoHo today. We made eye contact as I walked by. I think I may now be with child.<br /></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"><br /></div><div align="center"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; width: 200px; text-align: center;" alt="" src="http://blog.kir.com/archives/images/TomBrady%20010708.jpg" border="0" /><em>Look into my pregnancy-inducing eyes<br /><br /></em></div><div align="center"> </div><div align="left">This has nothing to do with anything, but I just had to share.</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7677674527640284466.post-86099247946770771972008-10-07T22:50:00.006-04:002008-10-08T09:24:48.816-04:00Obama/McCain Debate #2The debate just ended and I think there was a clear winner. Sadly, it wasn't Obama. Or McCain. It wasn't even hottie moderator Tom Brokaw. No, the winner of this debate was the guy who asked the first town hall question.<br /><br />His name? MISTER ALAN SCHAEFER.<br /><br />His question? "With the economy on the downturn and retired and older citizens and workers losing their incomes, what's the fastest, most positive solution to bail these people out of the economic ruin?"<br /><br />First of all, Alan, what a stellar question. That's exactly what I would have said, had I been allowed to ask a prescreened question in a carefully vetted category of the Gallup Organization's choosing.<br /><br />Secondly, Alan, the candidates really took a liking to you. They repeated your name an awful lot during their answers, and even during subsequent answers. The whole country knows you now. You are a true political superstar.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://mikeduran.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/03/jesus-christ-superstar.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 200px;" src="http://mikeduran.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/03/jesus-christ-superstar.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">Slightly less powerful than Jesus Christ Superstar</span><br /><br /></div>Thirdly, Alan, I couldn't help but point you out to my Ex-Gifted Roommate every time the camera panned over to Section A on the Belmont University stage. You got a lot of camera time, Alan, and you should try to parlay this obvious photogenicality into your own primetime TV sitcom or cable news show. Have you considered a reality programme?<br /><br />Alan, I wish I had a picture of you to share with everyone, but I will have to settle for a picture of the actor I think should play you in the made-for-TV miniseries based on your historic appearance, possibly entitled "First Question: The Alan Schaefer Story."<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://l.yimg.com/img.tv.yahoo.com/tv/us/img/site/18/26/0000011826_20060921025335.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 200px;" src="http://l.yimg.com/img.tv.yahoo.com/tv/us/img/site/18/26/0000011826_20060921025335.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">I used to be Jason Alexander.</span><br /><br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7677674527640284466.post-29632254118779671862008-10-07T08:04:00.001-04:002008-10-07T16:32:39.701-04:00Martha Stewart Paint ColorsBear with me on this one. <br /><br />I have recently become aware that Martha Stewart has created a series of lovely names for her Lowe’s paint colors. They are so perfect in their simplicity that I would like to dedicate an awards presentation to them right now, in this very space. The names are generally delightful and make me want to go live in a cottage somewhere and cook food in large pots. <br /><br />Without further ado…The Painty Awards. <br /><br />1. The nominees for <strong>“Best Paint Color Named After an Old Timey Item”</strong> are:<br />Vintage Rickrack<br />Heirloom Shawl<br />Trousseau<br />Cameo Brooch<br />Scented Notepaper (please note, this paint does not actually smell like scented notepaper)<br /><br />And the Painty award goes to: SCENTED NOTEPAPER, for being both an excellent old timey reference as well as misleading with the whole “scented” thing.<br /><br />2. The nominees for <strong>“Best Paint Color Named After A Tasty Food”</strong> are:<br />Bread Dough<br />Macaroni<br />Lobster Bisque<br />Maple Butter<br />Wild Artichoke<br /><br />And the Painty award goes to: MACARONI, for making Martha seem more down-to-earth than usual.<br /><br />3. The nominees for <strong>“Best Paint Color Named After an Animal”</strong> are:<br />Caribou<br />French Bulldog Black<br />Great Blue Heron<br />Cricket<br />Mallard Duck<br /><br />And the Painty award goes to: FRENCH BULLDOG BLACK, for taking a color that is just plain black and making me think of fuzzy puppies instead.<br /><br />4. The nominees for <strong>“Best Paint Color Named After Something Asian”</strong> are:<br />Chinese Lacquer Red<br />India Ink<br />Bamboo Mat<br />Silk Kimono<br />Nori Seaweed<br /><br />And the Painty award goes to: SILK KIMONO, for not indicating anything about the paint color itself but still sounding mysteriously alluring.<br /><br />5. The nominees for <strong>“Best Paint Color Named After A Completely Random Object”</strong> are:<br />Park Bench<br />Windmill<br />Yachting Cap<br />Skeleton Key<br />Diving Board<br /> <br />And the award goes to: PARK BENCH. What the hell, there’s no good reason.<br /><br />So thank you, Martha, for concocting the perfect batch of paint colors and equally beautiful names to go with them. You are a true master of lifestyle branding and for that I honor you with this Painty Lifetime Achievement Award.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7677674527640284466.post-58845123697158892522008-10-06T07:32:00.006-04:002008-10-15T12:15:06.217-04:00Save These WordsThanks to alert Ex-Gifted Reader David, who sent in an article featuring 24 words the Collins English Dictionary wants to remove to “make room for up to 2,000 new entries.” This is a terrible thing! Old words are far superior to new ones.<br /><br />Maybe, if these words are updated to have more current meanings, we can save them from destruction. Below are a few of my suggestions. Please implement them into your everyday vocabulary and save them from almost certain demise!<br /><br /><span style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold">Abstergent</span><br />Actual definition: Cleansing<br />New definition: Having superior washboard abs as the result of elective surgery<br /><br /><span style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold">Agrestic</span><br />Actual definition: Rural<br />New definition: Aggressive, Sarah Palin-style<br /><br /><span style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold">Embrangle</span><br />Actual definition: To confuse<br />New definition: To sew in one’s own weave<br /><br /><span style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold">Muliebrity</span><br />Actual definition: The condition of being a woman<br />New definition: The condition of being a young, hot, boozing, rehab-hopping celebrity donkey<br /><br /><span style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold">Skirr</span><br />Actual definition: A whirring sound<br />New definition: To scare (as in, “don’t skirr me!”). I guess this definition already exists.<br /><br />Check out the rest of the words <a href="http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,1847042,00.html?iid=digg_share">here</a>. <p></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7677674527640284466.post-7826021507793776452008-10-03T18:15:00.004-04:002008-10-15T12:19:13.841-04:00Cool Jobs in a Hopeless EconomyLooking for work in these shitty economic times? Look no further. Here are the Ex-Gifted Child's top five jobs for recession job seekers:<br /><br /><span style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold">5. Apple Seller</span><br /><br />If the Great Depression was any indication of things to come, there should be a lot of people looking to buy cheap fruit on the streets pretty soon. So get yourself a piece of cardboard and rig up a sign on your wooden fruit-wagon. You can even set your own hours, making this great for those go-getter self-employed types.<br /><br /><span style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold">4. Chewing Gum Marketing Guru</span><br /><br />If there's one product that won't die, even in the midst of certain financial disaster, it's chewing gum. Every day I see a new ad for Orbit, Dentyne, Eclipse, or some other one-word gum brand. What's fascinating is that the gum is the same underneath the newly updated packaging as it was underneath the last round of updated packaging. But people keep buying it, because it's cheap (comparatively) and loses its flavor after 90 seconds.<br /><br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: center"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www2.grist.org/images/advice/ask/2007/03/14/the-graduate.jpg"><img style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: pointer; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://www2.grist.org/images/advice/ask/2007/03/14/the-graduate.jpg" border="0" /></a><span style="FONT-STYLE: italic">One word: GUM.</span><br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: left"><br /><span style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold">3. </span><span style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold">Military Recruit</span><br /><br />There is one employer always looking for recruits and that's the US military. They want YOU. To go to Iraq. So stop polishing your resume and start practicing pull-ups. HOORAY!<br /><br /><span style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold">2. </span><span style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold">Starving Artist</span><br /><br />Seeing as you probably can't find employment anyway, this would be an excellent opportunity to take up your long-lost creative pursuits and live in squalor in a garret somewhere. And you will become 64% hipper by not trying to find a job, but living solely for your art. The more angsty and impoverished you are, the better this chapter of your memoirs will be.<br /><br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: center"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.biografiasyvidas.com/biografia/v/fotos/van_gogh_3.jpg"><img style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: pointer; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://www.biografiasyvidas.com/biografia/v/fotos/van_gogh_3.jpg" border="0" /></a><span style="FONT-STYLE: italic">I cut off my ear to pay my rent.<br /></span></div><br /><span style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold">1. Human Resources Person</span><br /><br />If there's one thing companies need these days, it's HR people to fire all the other people. Beef up your resume with examples of your successful track record of rejection: dumping lovers, breaking leases, putting down sick pets. You'll be rolling in dough in no time!<br /><br /></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7677674527640284466.post-45069357911197695452008-10-03T09:12:00.001-04:002008-10-03T11:29:03.419-04:00Quote to Live By"You know everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects."<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: left;">~Will Rogers<br /></div><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.legendsofamerica.com/photos-oldwest/WillRogers-500.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 200px;" src="http://www.legendsofamerica.com/photos-oldwest/WillRogers-500.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">I never met a Will Rogers quote I didn't like.</span><br /><br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7677674527640284466.post-50319040096191445382008-10-02T09:21:00.002-04:002008-10-15T12:18:41.933-04:00Millicent's Musings: DuelsOnce again we present an essay from our contributing writer, Millicent Farthingale.<br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: center"><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: left"><br />"Greetings, gentle readers,<br /><br />Many of you have shown a wisdom beyond your scant years by calling on my counsel in matters of manner, decorum, and etiquette in this ever-changing world. Fear not, you loyal, for Millicent shall steer you from the wide path of barbarism to the good road of civility! </div><div class="Ih2E3d" style="TEXT-ALIGN: left"><br />In my day, the Defence of Honor was taken with a profound gravity. In fact, the offence of dishonouring a gentleman was so great that it often led to bloodshed in the form of a duel.<br /><br /></div><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: left"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.sptimes.com/2007/05/03/images/kerrigan.jpg"><img style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: pointer; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://www.sptimes.com/2007/05/03/images/kerrigan.jpg" border="0" /></a></div><div class="Ih2E3d" style="TEXT-ALIGN: left"><div style="FONT-STYLE: italic; TEXT-ALIGN: center">Dishonouring a lady was settled with a tire-iron.<br /></div><br />The gentleman's duel was an engagement of combat between men of a certain status- the Poor, it is widely known, do not have Honor. If a nobleman were to suffer an indignity dealt by a man of lower class, say, being called a brigand by a pennystinkard in the presence of clergy, he could simply order a robust servant to cane the provincial boor.<br /><br />But if the same nobleman were called a rake by a fellow Count in the presence of the wet nurse, the nobleman must take up the pistol and proceed to mar the Count's visage with shot in an orderly and civilized manner lest his Good Name be sullied.<br /><br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: center"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/muppet/images/6/65/Biff-Sully.jpg"><img style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: pointer; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/muppet/images/6/65/Biff-Sully.jpg" border="0" /></a><span style="FONT-STYLE: italic">Remember Biff and Sully?<br /></span></div><br /></div><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: left">It is my understanding that customs have changed since that elegant era, and now through the work of the shameless suffragettes and communist radicals in this country it has become unseemly and moreso illegal for men of refined society to shoot one another in the face for failing to stand when a lady is seated at the table.<br /><br />As a modern alternative I defer to my relations in their young adulthood, who tell me that to duel in contemporary custom one must electrically correspond via 'X Box Live' in a simulacrum tournament of combat known as 'Halo 3.'<br /><br /><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: center"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://blog.newsok.com/bamsblog/files/2008/03/halo3.jpg"><img style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: pointer; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://blog.newsok.com/bamsblog/files/2008/03/halo3.jpg" border="0" /></a><span style="FONT-STYLE: italic">How dare you call me the Arbiter when I am in fact the Master Chief.</span><br /></div><br />Though the magic lantern zoetrope frippery of 'videoed game-ing' is thoroughly 21st Century, the principles of dignity and vengeance remain the same. And so I call upon the youth to restore Honor to this age!<br /><br />Do not begrudge being named a 'penniling lousehunt' without teabagging your opponent in a deathmatch!<br /><br />Mock them for their inexperience as you unleash virtual hellfire!<br /><br />Accuse them of being sodomites and buggerers as you frantically tap the knobs!<br /><br />For the Defence of Honor!"<br /></div><div style="TEXT-ALIGN: left"><br /></div><span style="FONT-STYLE: italic"></span></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7677674527640284466.post-71202013691421164892008-09-30T09:16:00.011-04:002008-10-15T12:19:25.638-04:00Recession Preparedness Tips<div align="left">In these recession-y times, it can be difficult to keep your financial situation afloat. Here are The Ex-Gifted Child’s top five tips to survive the current economic shit-storm. They’ll leave you saying, “Subprime loan, shmubprime loan!”<br /><br /><strong>5. Call in debts from friends and family.<br /></strong><br />Now’s the time to remind folks that they owe you money. Gals, give your beau a tab for all those dinners you went Dutch. Parents, bill your adult children for rent and laundry services. Subway musicians, demand fives and tens.</div><div align="left"><br /></div><div align="left"><strong>4. Play the lottery.</strong> </div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"><br /></div><div align="left">Did you know, that for as little as one or two dollars, you could possibly wins MILLIONS of dollars? Lottery tickets should be a major percentage of every smart investor’s portfolio. Don’t shy away from those complicated scratch-off tickets, either…your financial advisor can explain how they work. Remember, you can’t win if you don’t play.</div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"><br /></div><div align="left"><img style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://media.hamptonroads.com/cache/files/images/26841.jpg" border="0" /></div><div align="center"><em>Giant novelty checks never bounce.</em><br /></div><div align="left"><br /></div><div align="left"><strong>3. Make friends on Wall Street.</strong> </div><div align="left"><br /></div><div align="left">In case you haven’t noticed, Wall Streeters are going through more stressful times than you are. They’re losing billions of dollars, and you’re losing what…thousands? Tens of thousands? Maybe a couple hundred? Show your sympathy by befriending finance employees who are going through tough times. </div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left">Buy them a cup of coffee, listen to them complain about the yacht that they’ll have to refinance or the penthouse in Dubai that they’ll have to remodel next year when times aren’t so tough. Shine their shoes. If they take a liking to you, they may include you in their will before they jump out a window at the NYSE to their untimely death on the pavement below.</div><div align="left"><br /></div><div align="left"><strong>2. Bone up on your survival skills. </strong></div><div align="left"><strong></strong></div><div align="left"><strong></strong></div><div align="left"><strong></strong></div><div align="left"><strong></strong></div><div align="left"><strong></strong></div><div align="left"><strong></div></strong><div align="left"></div><div align="left">Visit your local library (did you know the books there are free?) and learn about edible plants, turning urine into potable drinking water, and how to skin and fillet stray cats. Yurt-constructing skills could also be invaluable for when your house is foreclosed.</div><div align="left"><br /></div><div align="left"><strong>1. Take responsibility.</strong></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"><strong></strong></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"><strong></strong></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div><div align="left">Man up and admit that the financial crisis is all your fault. Whether you committed some egregious mortal sin like coveting your neighbor's goods, or ruined your karma in a previous life as a dolphin, you are somehow to blame for this worldwide catastrophe. Go to confession or burn some incense and hope that the Gods accept your humble penance, and that the Dow goes up.</div><div align="center"><br /></div><img style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://www.dogma-movie.com/pics/church/images/bigguy.jpg" border="0" /> <p align="center"><em>Have mercy on our souls.</em></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7677674527640284466.post-23127357841765988702008-09-29T08:24:00.001-04:002008-09-29T10:32:20.938-04:00Derrick Comedy TrailerEvery so often, we here at The Ex-Gifted Child are honored to promote friends who have retained their Giftedness into adulthood. So today, please enjoy the brand-spankin' new trailer for the upcoming Derrick Comedy movie, featuring our very Gifted friends from...Derrick Comedy.<br /><br />But first, what is the secret to staying Gifted? According to Dan Eckman, video director for Derrick: "Dick jokes."<br /><br />And now, the trailer. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nxx1vOhlqmM">Watch and support!</a><br /><br />If that whets your appetite, check out my favorite Derrick sketch <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQp7Id8iRA4">here</a>.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7677674527640284466.post-27165458259364391612008-09-28T16:46:00.002-04:002008-09-28T22:48:12.717-04:00Pirates!The U.S. is going through turbulent times. An out-of-control economy, an unpopular war, an upcoming election. But we should all take a moment to be grateful. Why? Because at least we don't have PIRATES.<br /><br />Yes, pirates, who are apparently making a good living off the coast of Somalia. The New York Times has a <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2008/09/28/world/africa/28pirates.html?ref=todayspaper">great article</a> about a recent pirate hijacking near Kenya. Apparently these hep cats like taking ships hostage and demanding insane ransoms. In this case, they are asking for $35 million for the ship full of Soviet tanks and weapons that they are holding.<br /><br />This begs the question, how was a speedboat full of otherwise unemployed scalawags able to seize a ship stocked with Soviet tanks and weapons?<br /><br />Also interesting to note is that while they are asking for $35 million, the average ransom they receive is $1-2 million. If any HR professionals want to consult with the pirates on their negotiating skills, this would be a killer opportunity.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.exposay.com/celebrity-photos/keira-knightley-pirates-of-the-caribbean-dead-mans-chest-uk-premiere-UGJFgM.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 200px;" src="http://www.exposay.com/celebrity-photos/keira-knightley-pirates-of-the-caribbean-dead-mans-chest-uk-premiere-UGJFgM.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">The pirates stole my will to eat.</span><br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0