Facebook Etiquette

Every so often, the Ex-Gifted Child is here to answer your questions on all matter of matters. Today, we shall address the world of Facebook Etiquette. On to the questions!

Dear Ex-Gifted Child,

I'm okay with accepting friend requests from some of my work peers, but what should I do about supervisors and managers who want to be my Facebook friend? I don't want to rudely ignore them, but I don't want them to think I'm unprofessional based on my photos, interests, applications, etc.

Signed,
To Friend Or Not To Friend

Dear TFONTF,

First of all, congratulations on taking your work life seriously.

My advice: not only should you accept all friend requests from management-type people, you should actively seek out and friend everyone you work with. Do it RIGHT NOW. How else are you going to show folks that you are a team player? How else are they going to learn your name, your favorite movies, or become part of your Zombie Alliance?

Some lesser advice columnists might suggest that you first clean up your profile to make it workplace appropriate. Honestly, TFONTF, I have to heartily disagree with that. The more soul-baring information and drunken photos you reveal on Facebook, the better your supervisors will get to know the real you. And how could they not be instantly impressed and give you a corner office?

This is a win-win situation.

Co-workers Gone Wild

Dear Ex-Gifted Child,

I often receive invitations to applications that I don't wish to participate in. How do I stop receiving these invitations without having to message all my Facebook friends and ask them to please leave me alone?

Signed,
No More Lil Green Patch, Please

Dear NMLGPP,

I get this question a lot. In times like these, I suggest you fight fire with fire. Send everyone in your friend list multiple application requests every day. Start slow with applications like "Pieces of Flair" and "Word Twist," then work your way up to more annoying ones like "Send Good Karma" and "Which Sondheim Musical Are You? Quiz."

Soon, YOU will be the friend whose application requests everyone ignores. But at least your friends will have stopped sending anything to you.

Dear Ex-Gifted Child,

I tend to update my Facebook status every few minutes. Some of my friends tease me about being addicted to updating, but I think I'm doing them a favor by keeping them looped into my exciting life and all its sordid details. What do you think?

Signed,
Amy Is Asking Advice

Dear AIAA,

Your friends sound like a bunch of whiny losers. Dump them! They don't understand that Facebook updates are one of the greatest creations of this century - dare I say this millenium? - and you are absolutely justified in updating as often as you see fit.

If anything, I suggest you take your updates a step further. For example, instead of "Amy is waking up next to a total hottie," give us some more information! Go through his wallet and find out his full name. Give us a social security number. Fill us in on the specific acts you performed and their estimated duration.

Also, feel free to use Facebook updates to work through your private emotional struggles. I've often found that when going through personal pain and angsty situations, nothing helps more than publicly broadcasting it for all the world to judge. Try starting with something like "Amy is so ugly no one will ever love me."

Remember, the important thing is to have fun with it!!

Amy is a hot mess

Dear Ex-Gifted Child,

I met the most amazing woman on eHarmony.com, and we had our first date last night. I'm pretty convinced she's the one, especially since she let me touch her boob after a few glasses of wine. How soon should I update my relationship status?

Signed,
Finally In Love

Dear FIL,

I recommend a window of at most 24 hours within meeting that special someone. Not only does this prove to the world that you're not a lonely, single loser, but it shows that you're serious about the commitment.

If you want to go that extra mile, tag all of your friends in a note explaining how you've finally met the man/woman/child of your dreams. Should the relationship last longer than a week, do everyone a favor and change your status to "engaged." It will save a lot of time and hassle later.

I think we should move in together

Dear Ex-Gifted Child,

Why do people tag me in the most unflattering photos? Is it impolite to de-tag?

Signed,
Don't Have A "Good Side"

Dear DHAGS,

Yet another common Facebook dilemma. Your friends have painstakingly tagged everyone in their photos, including the unnamed bartender in the background and the back of Jerome's brother's girlfriend's head. And you rudely want to go in and destroy their handiwork.

To that I say, shame. Shame on you.

You should be flattered that you have friends who care enough to:

A. Invite you to events where your picture may be taken
B. Actually take pictures of you
C. Upload said pictures to Facebook in a timely fashion
D. Tag said pictures for everyone's convenience and enjoyment

If you really look that bad in these photos, I suggest cosmetic surgery.