Bible Stories

Having once been a very diligent Catholic, I am occasionally suprised when people don't recognize my Biblical references. I suppose I should allow for the fact that not everyone is raised in a Judeo-Christian household...and that not everyone was such a Sunday School ROCKSTAR like yours truly.

Anyway, here are five Old Testament stories I enjoy:

5. Noah's Ark.

Pretty much everyone knows this one, right? If not, get the award-winning blockbuster "Evan Almighty" starring Steve Carell on your Netflix queue.

Everything I touch turns to box-office gold.

In a nutshell, God tells Noah to build a boat because he's going to flood the world and kill off all the bad guys. Noah does so. Noah brings two of every animal onboard so he can repopulate the animal kingdom when the flood is over. Rain falls for 40 days and 40 nights. The water starts to recede and the ark lands on a mountain. Noah releases a dove, which returns with an olive branch in its beak, symbolizing that plants are growing again.

Directive.

Then God creates a rainbow, essentially saying, "I'm here, I'm queer, I'll never try to murder all of civilization again. Holler!"

4. David & Goliath

David is a scrappy Israeli teenager who goes to visit his brothers on the front lines of the Philistine war. He hears about a gigantic dude, Goliath, who has everyone trembling in fear. He decides to take matters into his own hands, slaying Goliath with his slingshot in the name of the Lord!

And there was great rejoicing.

That's unpossible.

3. Abraham and Isaac

God tells Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac on the top of a mountain. Abraham is about to go for it when God says "JK!" and has him sacrifice a conveniently stuck-in-the-bushes ram instead.

I guess the point is that you should do whatever God says, even if it means killing your children. Oh, that silly Old Testament!

2. King Solomon's Wisdom

In other child-murdering news...

King Solomon was the wisest dude in all the land. One day, two squabbling broads came before him. Both claimed to be the mother of a baby, and both wanted custody. King Solomon, in all his sadistic wisdom, said "Let's chop the baby in half and you can both have some." One of the women said she'd rather give it up than see it harmed. King Solomon recognized that she must be the birthmother, and awarded her the child. The same thing happened to Madonna in Malawi.

You are NOT the mother!

1. The Story of Job

Job is a pious, wealthy dude who has everything going for him. God and Satan are debating whether Job is truly a good guy, or if he's just good because he's rich. God gives Satan permission to find out, so Satan kills Job's children, takes away his money, covers him with boils, and otherwise makes his life a living hell.

Job's friends come to visit and they're convinced Job has done something wrong to merit this kind of affliction. Job knows he hasn't sinned, but still refuses to curse God for this cruel treatment.

Eventually God speaks to the whole gang, rewarding Job for his piety and condemning his friends for their lack of faith. In the end, Job gets all of his stuff back, including a set of hot new daughters, and lives a blessed life for 140 more years.

Segway to the Promised Land

Moral of the story...bad things happen to good people, but only because God said so.