Recession Preparedness Tips

In these recession-y times, it can be difficult to keep your financial situation afloat. Here are The Ex-Gifted Child’s top five tips to survive the current economic shit-storm. They’ll leave you saying, “Subprime loan, shmubprime loan!”

5. Call in debts from friends and family.

Now’s the time to remind folks that they owe you money. Gals, give your beau a tab for all those dinners you went Dutch. Parents, bill your adult children for rent and laundry services. Subway musicians, demand fives and tens.

4. Play the lottery.

Did you know, that for as little as one or two dollars, you could possibly wins MILLIONS of dollars? Lottery tickets should be a major percentage of every smart investor’s portfolio. Don’t shy away from those complicated scratch-off tickets, either…your financial advisor can explain how they work. Remember, you can’t win if you don’t play.

Giant novelty checks never bounce.

3. Make friends on Wall Street.

In case you haven’t noticed, Wall Streeters are going through more stressful times than you are. They’re losing billions of dollars, and you’re losing what…thousands? Tens of thousands? Maybe a couple hundred? Show your sympathy by befriending finance employees who are going through tough times.

Buy them a cup of coffee, listen to them complain about the yacht that they’ll have to refinance or the penthouse in Dubai that they’ll have to remodel next year when times aren’t so tough. Shine their shoes. If they take a liking to you, they may include you in their will before they jump out a window at the NYSE to their untimely death on the pavement below.

2. Bone up on your survival skills.

Visit your local library (did you know the books there are free?) and learn about edible plants, turning urine into potable drinking water, and how to skin and fillet stray cats. Yurt-constructing skills could also be invaluable for when your house is foreclosed.

1. Take responsibility.

Man up and admit that the financial crisis is all your fault. Whether you committed some egregious mortal sin like coveting your neighbor's goods, or ruined your karma in a previous life as a dolphin, you are somehow to blame for this worldwide catastrophe. Go to confession or burn some incense and hope that the Gods accept your humble penance, and that the Dow goes up.

Have mercy on our souls.

Derrick Comedy Trailer

Every so often, we here at The Ex-Gifted Child are honored to promote friends who have retained their Giftedness into adulthood. So today, please enjoy the brand-spankin' new trailer for the upcoming Derrick Comedy movie, featuring our very Gifted friends from...Derrick Comedy.

But first, what is the secret to staying Gifted? According to Dan Eckman, video director for Derrick: "Dick jokes."

And now, the trailer. Watch and support!

If that whets your appetite, check out my favorite Derrick sketch here.

Pirates!

The U.S. is going through turbulent times. An out-of-control economy, an unpopular war, an upcoming election. But we should all take a moment to be grateful. Why? Because at least we don't have PIRATES.

Yes, pirates, who are apparently making a good living off the coast of Somalia. The New York Times has a great article about a recent pirate hijacking near Kenya. Apparently these hep cats like taking ships hostage and demanding insane ransoms. In this case, they are asking for $35 million for the ship full of Soviet tanks and weapons that they are holding.

This begs the question, how was a speedboat full of otherwise unemployed scalawags able to seize a ship stocked with Soviet tanks and weapons?

Also interesting to note is that while they are asking for $35 million, the average ransom they receive is $1-2 million. If any HR professionals want to consult with the pirates on their negotiating skills, this would be a killer opportunity.

The pirates stole my will to eat.

Presenting Millicent's Musings (or, Farthingale's Finds)

Every so often, Ex-Gifted Child Millicent Farthingale will grace us with her presence in this humble space. As someone who exited Gifted Childhood before the Industrial Revolution, we always welcome her sage insight.


"Greetings, gentle Readers.

If you will permit me a moment of indecorous willfulness, I simply must opine once more on the young people of this age. In the days of my virtuous youth, young men entertained themselves by leafing through collections of etchings while ladies partook in calming embroidery.

Civil, pleasant conversation was made at every approach and friendly acknowledgments given to passing strangers enforced bonds of fond regard. Of course, this was excepting servants, laborers, the poor, those of Afric or Oriental backgrounds, men suspected of buggery, those suffering maladies of the skin or brain, the unfashionable, and unmarried ladies of ill repute.

Presently, the generation scarcely makes time for parlor room entertaining, favoring in its stead the bothersome calls of mobile telephony typographical transmission and the You Tube, where strumpets and harlots prance before the Camera in immodest garments revealing the very appendages of their maternity.

For shame, youth!"


...Millicent also included the following link, which should be of interest to those who agree that the 21st century causes one great melancholy.

Word of the Day

XENOGLOSSY.

Pronunciation: ZEE-noh-glaw-see

Definition: The ability to speak a language without having learned it, often considered a psychic phenomenon (noun).

Example: Fabrice added xenoglossy to the "special skills" section of his resume after awaking one morning babbling in Spanish.

If You Could Travel Anywhere...

...where would it be and why?

When I was still a Gifted Child, I had a list of things to do before I died (slightly morbid). One of those was to go into space. Little did I know that space tourism would become a reality and that if I only amassed a billion dollars or was an *NSYNC member, my simple dream could come true.

Some Ex-Gifted readers share their destinations of choice:

"If I could travel to any one place it would be Australia. Because of its geography a lot of the wildlife there evolved in an isolated fashion, and can't be found anywhere else."

~Rory

"I would like to go to France and see the chateaux I studied in high school, along the Loire Valley. I did a report on them once and they looked so cool and beautiful."

~Sarah

"I'd travel to Australia to see a wild dingo, or Germany to experience a live Oktoberfest, or China for a real shrimp eggroll."

~Stephen

Or Mexico for an authentic Speedy Gonzales

Quote to Not Live By

"First of all, I don't see America having problems."

~George W. Bush (August 10, 2008)

This man is in my city today

Classical Music

There's a great article in The New Yorker about how the current classical music concert format came to be. Really, it's much more interesting than I can describe it. Just read it!

Word of the Day

SUSURRUS.

Pronunciation: su-SUHR-uhs

Definition: A rustling or whispering sound (noun)

Example: The susurrus of disease-ridden mice in the kitchen soothed Baby Clementine to sleep.

I am gnawing on your cereal boxes.

12 Things You Can Do to Combat Ex-Gifted Child Syndrome

Do your intellectual and creative pursuits usually involve Craigslist or perezhilton.com? Re-expand your horizons with the 12 Steps to Combating Ex-Gifted Child Syndrome:

1. Create some art, play an instrument, or read a really old book.

2. Go to an obscure museum (The Gallery of Himalayan Art, anyone?)

3. Apply for Mensa, and tell everyone that you're doing it, so later they will all inquire if you got in, and if you didn't you will feel bitter, bitter shame, and this will motivate you to do really well on the Mensa test, so well that you will no longer tolerate long, run-on sentences on blogs or elsewhere.

4. Compose a brilliant letter to an intellectual you admire and kindly request a response.

5. Spend an entire day speaking in a foreign language (or some kind of historical dialect...pirate-speak doesn't count).

6. Contact a former teacher or mentor to say thanks.

7. Become a teacher or mentor and hope that one day your brilliant pupils will dedicate their memoirs to you.

8. Write a well-reasoned letter to the editor on a topic you’re passionate about. Avoid swearing.

9. Download a podcast on a topic you know nothing about and actually listen to it.

10. Attend the nerdiest activity you can find (this includes chess tournaments, swing dances, university lectures on string theory, and comic book conventions).

11. Constantly remind your peers of the amazing feats you accomplished 16 years ago.

12. Send $39.99 a month to this website as a token of your appreciation.

But don't take my word for it...WWLBD?

Ex-Gifted Poll

Hello friends! You may have noticed that we have a POLL on the site for the first time ever! Check it out to the right. Answer. Feel better about identifying the cause of your Ex-Giftedness.

I played the violin until my fingers bled

Quote to Live By

"If there is no struggle, there is no progress. Those who profess to favor freedom, and deprecate agitation, are men who want crops without plowing up the ground, they want rain without thunder and lightning."

~Frederick Douglass

Hobo Symbols

Hello, Ex-Gifted Children. Today, let's chat for a moment about Hobo Symbols, shall we? Back in the day, the hobo-folk would mark up people's doorposts with secret code to alert other hobos to any pertinent information about the house. These signs are also helpful when designing tattoos, doodling on jury duty, or signing yearbooks.

So here are my top five Hobo Symbols, brazenly lifted (in the tradition of good hoboes everywhere) from The Symbol Sourcebook by Henry Dreyfuss. Get your book-larnin' cap on, or you'll be sadder'n a tramp without his bindle when you're on the road...

5. Kind Lady Lives Here

This symbol is great because it doesn't mean what you think it will mean. It doesn't mean "cats live here" or "beware of angry kittens" or even "good place to shave your whiskers." No, it's an unbreakable code, which I suppose is part of the GENIUS of the hobo masterminds.

4. The Sky's the Limit

Isn't it nice to think that, despite being poor and dirty, hoboes had such a darn positive outlook on things? When you're down in the dumps, remember that hoboes are sleeping in ravines and eating beans out of a can, and they can still see the silver lining. Why can't you?

3. You Can Sleep in Hayloft

I don't know that this will ever be useful in my daily life, but when the day comes that I stumble upon a perfectly sleepable hayloft, I do hope I have some chalk with me to commemorate it.

2. A Beating Awaits You Here

Once I got past that fact that hoboes used such lovely syntax, I was confused as to why a hobo would stick around long enough after receiving a royal ass-whoopin' to scratch this into a doorpost. Still, a handy sign to recognize, if you aren't eager for a beatdown.

1. Alcohol In This Town

I like this one because it's most applicable to my everyday life. I know a lot of towns that have alcohol. And lots of people who would be interested in that information.

So go forth and communicate as your hobo-brethren do! To learn more symbols, click here.

Wind Power

Having driven by a cavalcade of beautiful wind turbines in upstate New York this weekend, I was excited to see this article in the Sunday NY Times Magazine. It was interesting to drive through another small town and see lawn signs proclaiming either "We Love Wind Power" or a simple image of a wind turbine with a big X through it.

These newfangled turbines are the talk of the town.

Among other interesting things we saw: zebras, clowns driving a car, a deer, many vultures.

Word of the Day

BOWDLERIZE.

Pronunciation: BODE-luh-rise

Definition: To change the offensive parts of something (verb).

Example: My favorite part of working for the FCC is bowdlerizing words and ideas to protect our society from anything that may challenge their ideals and/or make them uncomfortable.

The Art of Manliness

I would like to thank alert Ex-Gifted Reader David for pointing me towards a fantastic blog, The Art of Manliness. I particularly enjoyed two posts entitled "The Long-Lost Art of the Calling Card" and "Stop Hanging Out With Women and Start Dating Them." (As a woman, I definitely appreciated the latter.) Check it out, boys.

Man up, Beave.

Broadway Bound

Hello, my dear Ex-Gifted Children, and welcome to the Great White Way edition of this blog. Enjoy some fun facts about the upcoming Broadway season:

Happy Fact:

David Mamet’s Speed-the-Plow is coming to Broadway, with Jeremy Piven (yes, that Jeremy Piven) and Elizabeth Moss (from Mad Men) – two of my favorite TV actors! Yay.

Sad Fact:

Godspell is no longer coming to Broadway. This is old news, but I can’t seem to let it go. A compassionate donor couldn’t swoop in at the last minute and provide the measly $1 million they needed to mount the production? Pathetic. I guess we’ll have to settle for Hair as our rock musical of the season…Berger looks like Jesus anyway.

British Fact:

Harry Potter gets naked in Equus. There are already pictures online (by that I mean pictures more graphic than the one below). Awkward...

"Yay, 'Arry!"

Annoying Fact:

Shrek the Musical continues the glut of movie-based shows that are clogging Broadway’s once healthy arteries. Even with the lovely talents of Brian D’Arcy James, Sutton Foster, and Christopher Sieber, this is likely to be a big piece of lameness. Prove me wrong, Shrek, prove me wrong.

Spoke Too Soon Fact:

Okay, maybe there is one movie-to-musical adaptation I’m eager to see. And that’s 9 to 5, featuring the talented trio of Allison Janney, Megan Hilty, and Stephanie J. Block. This could sink or swim, but I’m crossing my fingers that it’s okay. Apparently there are technical issues happening in their out-of-town tryout, but with Dolly Parton at the helm, I trust everything will come out fine.

I'm a smart, sassy businesswoman

Little Known Fact:

To reach Operating Thetan Level XVII, you must perform in a Broadway production of an Arthur Miller play. So congratulations, Katie Holmes, looks like you are moving up the Fake Religion Ladder with your debut in All My Sons. But really, who cares. We should all be more excited about seeing John Lithgow, Patrick Wilson, Dianne Wiest, and L. Ron Hubbard in his first stage appearance since “Dianetics: The Musical.”

It's an eruption of mental instability

So get out there and support the Broadway community! Buy tickets! (And/or steal comps from well-placed friends.)

Quote to Live By

"Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without."

~Buddha

Space: The Final Frontier

There was a time in fifth grade when I believed I would one day become an astronaut (this may have coincided with the release of "Apollo 13"). With my lack of math & science prowess, I was dreaming the impossible dream. But, maybe, I could have become the Hubble Space Telescope Office Janitress. Or Assistant Janitress. Or Space Suit Helmet Shiner.

Or, Area 51 Moon Landing Soundstage Technician

Anyway...here's a little quiz in preparation for that fateful day when NASA calls me up to say that all of the other astronauts have food poisoning, and I'm their only hope.


1. What is a Brown Dwarf?

A. A spritely gnome often featured in Scandanavian folklore

B. An odiferous object emitted from the Space Station Elimination Vent

C. A small, reddish-brown star

D. A terrestrial planet without apparent surface water

Answer: C. This sad Charlie Brown of a star is very small and dim. It can't create enough fusion energy in its core to make up for the radiative energy emitted from its surface. If the sun looks like a big, bright, yellow ball, a Brown Dwarf looks more like a tiny, crumpled-up brown paper bag.

2. What is a Blue Supergiant?

A. An ogre-like being often featured in Scandanavian folklore

B. A hot young star that shines brightly and dies young, often featured on "E! True Hollywood Story"

C. A galaxy 1,000,000,000,000 times the size of the Milky Way

D. A spherical rubber orb often found in bodega vending machines

Answer: B. Blue Supergiant stars are "among the hottest and brightest in the universe," according to Wikipedia. Because they are so smokin' hot, they don't live very long. Take warning, Britney.

Those were the days.

3. What is "Quasar" a shortened word for?

A. QUASi-stellAR radio source

B. QUery AStronomical Acceleration Rate

C. QUAntum Sporadic ARgon

D. Qualified Umbrellas Always Stop A Raindrop

Answer: A. A quasar is the extremely bright center of an extremely distant galaxy, which emits radio waves due to an extremely huge black hole in the center of that galaxy. To the EXTREME.

4. What is the Great Red Spot?

A. Who cares; I can't think of any more clever fake answers.

B. Blah blah

C. The swirling, hurricane-like storm larger than Earth that rages on Jupiter's surface.

D. Blah

Answer: C. But A is still a true statement.

A zit on the face of Jupiter.

5. Why is Pluto no longer a planet?

A. It's not big enough

B. It's not round enough

C. Its orbit is too far from the sun

D. Some bullshit about it not "dominating the neighborhood around its orbit"

Answer: D. The recently created definition of a planet states that it must be the "dominant gravitational body in its orbit," according to www.universetoday.com. I guess this means that as the planet makes its orbit, it pulls lesser objects into its path, thus dominating, owning, or, in some galaxies, pwning them.

Word of the Day

LUDIC.

Pronunciation: LOO-dik

Definition: Playful, characterized by play.

Example: In his ludic moments, Jebediah was known to create quite a scene with the milking machine.

Show us your teats.

Dream Job

If time and money were not an issue, what creative, intellectual, or career endeavor would you pursue, and why?


"I think if I could have any job/career I wanted I would go for being the head of some kinda Google-esque software company. I like the idea of tackling problems both large and small at the level of the individual user. I've always greatly admired the aesthetic, engineering, and even psychological considerations that go into designing a friendly, useful piece of software.

Often I think, "I wish there was a way/button/thing to easily pay my bills/tag a bunch of emails/have anonymous sex in the park" and I find that a product or feature exists that does that already. The creative nerds behind these modern wonders are professional problem-solvers, and as someone who bitches about his problems all day I think I would never run out of shit to fix."

~David

We have finally figured out how to get you to spend more money

Etiquette...Get Some.

Just for fun, here are some snippets from the 1872 runaway best-seller, The Ladies' Book of Etiquette, and Manual of Politeness by the esteemed Florence Hartley. Read and heed, ladies, read and heed:










You heard the lady, stop sucking on your parasol! Find out what other social sins you're committing here.

Time Travel

If you could visit any time and place in history, what would it be, and why?

Still a hottie.

"...I would choose to be in Indianapolis, Indiana on the night of April 4, 1968. ...This where Robert Kennedy gave his famous speech on the death of Martin Luther King Jr., who had died just that night.

Indianapolis was the only major U.S. city to not experience massive race riots in the wake of Dr. King's death and it is often attributed to the speech that Senator Kennedy gave. I would like to spend a week being able to hear the speech live and experiencing what our once great (not so much anymore) country was feeling during one of the saddest moments of history."

~Carrie E.

Word of the Day

ABATTOIR.

Pronunciation: AB-uh-twahr

Definition: A slaughterhouse (noun)

Example: Lucille, being a sucker for sexy-sounding French phrases, gamely agreed to visit the serial killer's abattoir.

What's Wrong, China?

"Suicide is now China's leading cause of death for those aged 20 to 35."

What?!

It seems that China's one-child policy has created a generation of new adults raised to meet great pinnacles of success - except that job opportunities in China haven't grown to meet the demand. Instead, these only-child "strivers" are unemployed, depressed, and addicted to video games.

Read the rest of this fascinating article at Psychology Today.

Quote to Live By

Hi there.

"You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star."

~Friedrich Nietzsche

Bible Stories

Having once been a very diligent Catholic, I am occasionally suprised when people don't recognize my Biblical references. I suppose I should allow for the fact that not everyone is raised in a Judeo-Christian household...and that not everyone was such a Sunday School ROCKSTAR like yours truly.

Anyway, here are five Old Testament stories I enjoy:

5. Noah's Ark.

Pretty much everyone knows this one, right? If not, get the award-winning blockbuster "Evan Almighty" starring Steve Carell on your Netflix queue.

Everything I touch turns to box-office gold.

In a nutshell, God tells Noah to build a boat because he's going to flood the world and kill off all the bad guys. Noah does so. Noah brings two of every animal onboard so he can repopulate the animal kingdom when the flood is over. Rain falls for 40 days and 40 nights. The water starts to recede and the ark lands on a mountain. Noah releases a dove, which returns with an olive branch in its beak, symbolizing that plants are growing again.

Directive.

Then God creates a rainbow, essentially saying, "I'm here, I'm queer, I'll never try to murder all of civilization again. Holler!"

4. David & Goliath

David is a scrappy Israeli teenager who goes to visit his brothers on the front lines of the Philistine war. He hears about a gigantic dude, Goliath, who has everyone trembling in fear. He decides to take matters into his own hands, slaying Goliath with his slingshot in the name of the Lord!

And there was great rejoicing.

That's unpossible.

3. Abraham and Isaac

God tells Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac on the top of a mountain. Abraham is about to go for it when God says "JK!" and has him sacrifice a conveniently stuck-in-the-bushes ram instead.

I guess the point is that you should do whatever God says, even if it means killing your children. Oh, that silly Old Testament!

2. King Solomon's Wisdom

In other child-murdering news...

King Solomon was the wisest dude in all the land. One day, two squabbling broads came before him. Both claimed to be the mother of a baby, and both wanted custody. King Solomon, in all his sadistic wisdom, said "Let's chop the baby in half and you can both have some." One of the women said she'd rather give it up than see it harmed. King Solomon recognized that she must be the birthmother, and awarded her the child. The same thing happened to Madonna in Malawi.

You are NOT the mother!

1. The Story of Job

Job is a pious, wealthy dude who has everything going for him. God and Satan are debating whether Job is truly a good guy, or if he's just good because he's rich. God gives Satan permission to find out, so Satan kills Job's children, takes away his money, covers him with boils, and otherwise makes his life a living hell.

Job's friends come to visit and they're convinced Job has done something wrong to merit this kind of affliction. Job knows he hasn't sinned, but still refuses to curse God for this cruel treatment.

Eventually God speaks to the whole gang, rewarding Job for his piety and condemning his friends for their lack of faith. In the end, Job gets all of his stuff back, including a set of hot new daughters, and lives a blessed life for 140 more years.

Segway to the Promised Land

Moral of the story...bad things happen to good people, but only because God said so.

Word of the Day

PRIMIPARA.

Pronunciation: prī-mĭp'ər-ə

Definition: A woman bearing her first child (noun).

Example: At the ripe old age of seventeen, Sarah Palin's daughter is a proud primipara.

Hey, get outta there!

What Do You Think of Sarah Palin?

I'm watching Sarah Palin address the Republican National Convention. She's adorable and actually very endearing, considering that most of her views are in direct opposition to mine.

Political leanings aside, it seems a shame that it's Sarah Palin accepting her party's nomination and not Hillary Clinton. It's like the hot cheerleader winning high school class president, while the less-hot but way more ambitious and capable chick has to console herself with cold pizza in the cafeteria.

Be sure to blot your pizza first.

In an effort to not be bitter about the whole situation, I've going to try to come up with five things I like about Sarah Palin:


5. She's pretty.

Come on, she's a former Miss Alaska. You have to admit that Sarah is not only a MILF, she's a soon-to-be GILF. As the kids say, you "gotta respect."


4. She's a mom.

It's cool that Sarah got into government by joining the PTA at her kids' school, and working her way into the local political scene. This shows she has honest intentions - she's not blatantly power-hungry or silver-spoony.


3. She's got a neat accent.

I suppose her voice is just pleasant in general.

...Wow, it's hard to come up with these.


2. Her kids have wacky names.

Come on, how conservative can she be? Her kids' names are Track, Trig, Bristol, Willow, and Piper. That's one step away from Blanket.

Stop squirming.

1. It's not her fault.

It's true...when McCain asks you to run for VP, you say yes, regardless of how little experience you have, and how you are being used to pander to female voters. She's going to do her best...I guess...although I can't picture her running the country if McCain bites it...which is likely...and although I disagree with a lot of her views...SHIT. I promised not to get bitter.

Physics & The Creation of the Universe

Check out this TED talk featuring full-time hottie (and part-time physicist) Brian Cox. If you have 15 minutes, watch the whole thing and learn a little something about physics. If you're in a rush, skip ahead to 11 minutes to hear his explanation of the universe's creation.



If nothing else, just enjoy Brian's charming accent and boyish good looks. Need a lab assistant?

Old-West Cowboy Slang

How well do you know your cowboy phraseology? Quiz yourself, cowpoke...

1. What does it mean to "throw up the sponge"?

Who lives in a wagon-town under the sea?

A. Give yer horse a good washin'

B. Surrender to yer enemy
C. Celebrate a gun-slingin' victory

D. Forgo contraception

Answer: B. Don't throw up that sponge unless you want folks to think of you as a yellow-bellied coward. And always use protection.

2. Which of these phrases didn't mean "alcohol" in the Old West?

A jug of moonshine, sir

A. Kansas Sheep Dip
B. Tarantula Juice

C. Tongue Oil

D. Holster Brine

Answer: D...I made that one up, although it sounds pretty authentic, if I do say so myself. Other popular phrases for alcohol included Coffin Varnish, Firewater, Taos Lightning, Nose Paint, Rookus Juice, Family Disturbance, John Barleycorn (beer), Joy Juice, Bug Juice, Oh-be-joyful, Apple Jack, Valley Tan, Forty Rod, and Bottled Courage.

3. If you're "worse than a cat in a roomful of rockers," how are you feeling?

No, you can't has cheezburger.

A. Nervous as all get-out

B. Angrier than a sheep herder with a saddle rash

C. Hungry as a horse

D. Clumsy as a drunken mule

Answer: A. I guess I would be nervous too, if I had a tail prone to getting crushed under rocking chairs.

4. It's late at night and you're "stringing a whizzer." What are you doing in there, young man?!

I don't wanna go blind!

A. Making use of the old-timey outhouse
B. Telling a tall tale

C. Lassoing a young pig

D. Skinning a cow hide

Answer: B. Anti-climactic, huh?

5. Which of these fine ladies would you not expect to see in the town whorehouse?

I'm wearing 34 sexy layers.

A. A slommack
B. A nymph du prairie
C. A dough puncher
D. A calico queen


Answer: C. The Dough Puncher was the camp cook, the others are all various "painted lady" references.


For more cowboy slang, check out Legends of America.