Space: The Final Frontier

There was a time in fifth grade when I believed I would one day become an astronaut (this may have coincided with the release of "Apollo 13"). With my lack of math & science prowess, I was dreaming the impossible dream. But, maybe, I could have become the Hubble Space Telescope Office Janitress. Or Assistant Janitress. Or Space Suit Helmet Shiner.

Or, Area 51 Moon Landing Soundstage Technician

Anyway...here's a little quiz in preparation for that fateful day when NASA calls me up to say that all of the other astronauts have food poisoning, and I'm their only hope.


1. What is a Brown Dwarf?

A. A spritely gnome often featured in Scandanavian folklore

B. An odiferous object emitted from the Space Station Elimination Vent

C. A small, reddish-brown star

D. A terrestrial planet without apparent surface water

Answer: C. This sad Charlie Brown of a star is very small and dim. It can't create enough fusion energy in its core to make up for the radiative energy emitted from its surface. If the sun looks like a big, bright, yellow ball, a Brown Dwarf looks more like a tiny, crumpled-up brown paper bag.

2. What is a Blue Supergiant?

A. An ogre-like being often featured in Scandanavian folklore

B. A hot young star that shines brightly and dies young, often featured on "E! True Hollywood Story"

C. A galaxy 1,000,000,000,000 times the size of the Milky Way

D. A spherical rubber orb often found in bodega vending machines

Answer: B. Blue Supergiant stars are "among the hottest and brightest in the universe," according to Wikipedia. Because they are so smokin' hot, they don't live very long. Take warning, Britney.

Those were the days.

3. What is "Quasar" a shortened word for?

A. QUASi-stellAR radio source

B. QUery AStronomical Acceleration Rate

C. QUAntum Sporadic ARgon

D. Qualified Umbrellas Always Stop A Raindrop

Answer: A. A quasar is the extremely bright center of an extremely distant galaxy, which emits radio waves due to an extremely huge black hole in the center of that galaxy. To the EXTREME.

4. What is the Great Red Spot?

A. Who cares; I can't think of any more clever fake answers.

B. Blah blah

C. The swirling, hurricane-like storm larger than Earth that rages on Jupiter's surface.

D. Blah

Answer: C. But A is still a true statement.

A zit on the face of Jupiter.

5. Why is Pluto no longer a planet?

A. It's not big enough

B. It's not round enough

C. Its orbit is too far from the sun

D. Some bullshit about it not "dominating the neighborhood around its orbit"

Answer: D. The recently created definition of a planet states that it must be the "dominant gravitational body in its orbit," according to www.universetoday.com. I guess this means that as the planet makes its orbit, it pulls lesser objects into its path, thus dominating, owning, or, in some galaxies, pwning them.