Blog Hiatus!

Hi everyone!

The Ex-Gifted Child is going on a brief hiatus. Check out the blogs listed in the sidebar for some bloggertainment in my absence!

;)

Michael Crichton

As you may have heard, pop-sci author Dr. Michael Crichton passed away on Tuesday. I have started to emerge from my grief and am now ready to pay my respects.

Here, in no particular order, are some haikus I drafted while in the depths of sorrow. Each one is dedicated to one of MC's extraordinary novels.

JURASSIC PARK

Raptors, T. Rex, Lex

Where's Nedry? Fences are down

Hold on to your butts.

ANDROMEDA STRAIN

Scary viruses

Everyone is effin' dead!

Except sad baby

CONGO

Sign language monkey

That's really the only part

Worth talking about

SPHERE

Underwater orb
Submarine life sucks

Watch out for squid

TIMELINE

Time travel is fun

Until your limbs are chopped off

In medieval France

AIRFRAME

Are you serious?

Another one-word title?

Come on, Mister C.

Best book ever

New Poll!

Hey! You! Look over there to the right. There's a new poll in town. And this one is of the utmost importance.

GO VOTE on how much you love me. (Next week you can vote on how obnoxious my egocentricity is.)

Have a happy day.

Obama Predictions

I apologize for the lack of updates recently. The Ex-Gifted Child and Friends have been struck by election fever and unable to focus on anything but Barack Obama's charming smile and hot bod.

Campaign here often?

But now that he's elected, it's time to sit back and watch the miracles happen! Here are my predictions for the first six weeks of Obama's presidency.

1. World Peace.

We all know Barack is planning to personally fly over to Iraq, pick up all the US troops in his super-rad presidential helicopter, and deliver them back to the front stoops of their respective homes ASAP. And the rest of the world, reduced to enamored schoolgirls in Obama's wake, will call for a moratorium on all military actions!

Then everyone will hold hands across the globe and sing "Kumbayah."

Or, "Mister Mistoffelees"

2. Socialist Health Care

I don't know about you, but I can't wait for my medical care to become subsidized by that most efficient of entities, the United States Government. If a trip to the doctor's office during an Obama presidency is anything like my trip to the polls yesterday, we're all in for a real treat.

There will be no long lines out the door...they'll find your name in their medical database right away...the MRI machine will work perfectly...and everyone will speak coherent English.

And it's going to be free! 100% free! For everyone! All the time! Eeeeeee!

3. Gay Marriage

We all know that Obama only professed to be against gay marriage in order to win over moderate and conservative voters. He's GOT to believe in gay marriage. I mean, he has to. Right? Right?

And he's going to make it legal in all 50 states just as soon as Congress is back in session, right?

What's that? Proposition 8 just passed in California, revoking the rights of same-sex couples to marry?

"But Waldorf, you said this would be our year."

4. No More Taxes

Although he didn't mention it in any of his campaign speeches, I have an inkling that Obama will do away with income taxes. It just seems like the right thing to do, doesn't it? Especially in this economic climate.

I, personally, am excited to stop paying taxes. And with all the time Barack will save from not having to count our tax dollars, he'll have time to implement wide-reaching social programs for our children, elderly, and veterans. That'll show John McCain, that tax-hungry Republican crazy.

5. Sasha and Malia Become the New Olsen Twins

No, not the present day, strung-out, fur-wearing, wrist-cutting Olsen twins. The cute, wholesome Mary-Kate and Ashley of the Full House years. Sasha and Malia are just too darn adorable to NOT star in their own series of direct-to-DVD kid's movies. And with Michelle's help, they could definitely design their own line of tween wear at H&M or Target.

They could even develop a strangely close relationship with Bob Saget, if necessary.

"Someday, let's turn crazy."

Buy Term Papers

Check out this lovely article about term paper mills. I wish I had known about this in college.

http://www.thesmartset.com/article/article10100801.aspx

1950's Educational Films

Don't you wish there were awkwardly acted, bone-chillingly conformist filmstrips that could tell you how to live your life? I do. Fortunately, the fine folks at the Prelinger Archives have a whole slew of 1950's era health class movies for our perverse enjoyment. It's fascinating that these were created not so long ago, yet our social views have changed immensely since then.

For example, do you need some helpful dating tips? In "What to Do on a Date," our friendly protagonist learns that he doesn't have to spend a lot of money - or even much effort - on planning a date with his lucky lady (and all of their friends...one-on-one dating is too dangerous).

What to Do on a Date

I must have missed the part about when to roofie her Coke.

Hey, don't you wish you had received better training for becoming a full-time homemaker? Do you lack the skills necessary for cooking nutritious foods and sewing fabulous outfits for your family? In "Why Study Home Economics," we learn all of these things and more. Especially intriguing is the notion that girls going off to college are fortunate - because they can study even more advanced home economics. Lucky bitches!

Why Study Home Economics

With all that learning about food storage and fabric identification, how will she have time to wash and set her hair??!!

And finally...are you frustrated with your low-level secretarial job? "Office Courtesy: Meeting the Public" is one of many films aimed at the gals in the typing pool who are having trouble at work. Turns out, the problem is that you're just not charming enough. Come on, show a little leg and flash those pearly whites, chickies.

Office Courtesy: Meeting the Public

Ruth and Barbara's strangely tactile relationship is further explained in 1954's "A Very Special Roommate."

Quote to Live By

"I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate."

~George Burns

Or, just a failure in general

Flu Prevention Tips

With fall well under way, flu season is upon us. In the interest of keeping Ex-Gifted Children everywhere healthy, here are some handy flu prevention tips.

1. Think About Not Getting the Flu

This is the most important thing you can do. According to “The Secret,” you can do whatever you want if you just think about it hard enough. So…every hour on the hour, take a moment to think “No Flu For Me, Thanks.”

Or, "Give Me The Strength Of A Thousand Oprahs"

2. Wash Your Hands

One of the simplest things you can do is to make sure you keep your hands clean. It can be hard to remember, though! Take a tip from Howie Mandel of “Deal or No Deal” and duct tape a Ziploc bag filled with Purell around your hands. You may not be able to use your hands, but at least you will never have to wash them.

Don't Come Near Me

3. Get A Flu Shot

This is a controversial tip, but I’m going out on a ledge here and including on the list. My biggest issue with the flu shot is that it sort of hurts. I don’t know that the benefit outweighs the brief, stinging pain. But if you’re bored and have ten bucks to waste and you like having someone stick a needle in your arm that may only prevent one specific type of influenza, by all means, go get a flu shot.

4. Stay Away From Children and Older People

If at all possible, limit your contact with children and the elderly, who are more prone to contracting winter illness.

For example, if you have children, have them live in a tent in the backyard for the winter (kids think this is super fun!). If you work in a school, take an emergency maternity leave until spring (note that this may not work for most male teachers). If you take care of an elderly relative, tell them you’ll be busy for the rest of the winter, and their contagious ass is on its own.

Sorry Grandma

Halloween Costume Poll

Just to wrap up the last poll:

~A whopping SEVEN readers plan to vote for Barack Obama in the upcoming election.
~ZERO readers plan to vote for John McCain.
~ZERO readers plan to vote for a different candidate (way to think outside the box, friends).
~And TWO lazy bums and/or anarchists plan to not vote at all. (Who is this mysterious second non-voter?)

But if you'll look to your right, you will notice a new poll for the nine of you who care enough to A) check this blog and B) vote on a very important, world-changing poll. Check it out and let the world know what your Halloween costume plans are.

Still trying to figure out how to make a "Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese" costume

Facebook Etiquette

Every so often, the Ex-Gifted Child is here to answer your questions on all matter of matters. Today, we shall address the world of Facebook Etiquette. On to the questions!

Dear Ex-Gifted Child,

I'm okay with accepting friend requests from some of my work peers, but what should I do about supervisors and managers who want to be my Facebook friend? I don't want to rudely ignore them, but I don't want them to think I'm unprofessional based on my photos, interests, applications, etc.

Signed,
To Friend Or Not To Friend

Dear TFONTF,

First of all, congratulations on taking your work life seriously.

My advice: not only should you accept all friend requests from management-type people, you should actively seek out and friend everyone you work with. Do it RIGHT NOW. How else are you going to show folks that you are a team player? How else are they going to learn your name, your favorite movies, or become part of your Zombie Alliance?

Some lesser advice columnists might suggest that you first clean up your profile to make it workplace appropriate. Honestly, TFONTF, I have to heartily disagree with that. The more soul-baring information and drunken photos you reveal on Facebook, the better your supervisors will get to know the real you. And how could they not be instantly impressed and give you a corner office?

This is a win-win situation.

Co-workers Gone Wild

Dear Ex-Gifted Child,

I often receive invitations to applications that I don't wish to participate in. How do I stop receiving these invitations without having to message all my Facebook friends and ask them to please leave me alone?

Signed,
No More Lil Green Patch, Please

Dear NMLGPP,

I get this question a lot. In times like these, I suggest you fight fire with fire. Send everyone in your friend list multiple application requests every day. Start slow with applications like "Pieces of Flair" and "Word Twist," then work your way up to more annoying ones like "Send Good Karma" and "Which Sondheim Musical Are You? Quiz."

Soon, YOU will be the friend whose application requests everyone ignores. But at least your friends will have stopped sending anything to you.

Dear Ex-Gifted Child,

I tend to update my Facebook status every few minutes. Some of my friends tease me about being addicted to updating, but I think I'm doing them a favor by keeping them looped into my exciting life and all its sordid details. What do you think?

Signed,
Amy Is Asking Advice

Dear AIAA,

Your friends sound like a bunch of whiny losers. Dump them! They don't understand that Facebook updates are one of the greatest creations of this century - dare I say this millenium? - and you are absolutely justified in updating as often as you see fit.

If anything, I suggest you take your updates a step further. For example, instead of "Amy is waking up next to a total hottie," give us some more information! Go through his wallet and find out his full name. Give us a social security number. Fill us in on the specific acts you performed and their estimated duration.

Also, feel free to use Facebook updates to work through your private emotional struggles. I've often found that when going through personal pain and angsty situations, nothing helps more than publicly broadcasting it for all the world to judge. Try starting with something like "Amy is so ugly no one will ever love me."

Remember, the important thing is to have fun with it!!

Amy is a hot mess

Dear Ex-Gifted Child,

I met the most amazing woman on eHarmony.com, and we had our first date last night. I'm pretty convinced she's the one, especially since she let me touch her boob after a few glasses of wine. How soon should I update my relationship status?

Signed,
Finally In Love

Dear FIL,

I recommend a window of at most 24 hours within meeting that special someone. Not only does this prove to the world that you're not a lonely, single loser, but it shows that you're serious about the commitment.

If you want to go that extra mile, tag all of your friends in a note explaining how you've finally met the man/woman/child of your dreams. Should the relationship last longer than a week, do everyone a favor and change your status to "engaged." It will save a lot of time and hassle later.

I think we should move in together

Dear Ex-Gifted Child,

Why do people tag me in the most unflattering photos? Is it impolite to de-tag?

Signed,
Don't Have A "Good Side"

Dear DHAGS,

Yet another common Facebook dilemma. Your friends have painstakingly tagged everyone in their photos, including the unnamed bartender in the background and the back of Jerome's brother's girlfriend's head. And you rudely want to go in and destroy their handiwork.

To that I say, shame. Shame on you.

You should be flattered that you have friends who care enough to:

A. Invite you to events where your picture may be taken
B. Actually take pictures of you
C. Upload said pictures to Facebook in a timely fashion
D. Tag said pictures for everyone's convenience and enjoyment

If you really look that bad in these photos, I suggest cosmetic surgery.

Baron Mind

We here at the Ex-Gifted Child are pleased to promote the Very Gifted works of our Still-Gifted friends. Check out the fabulous video below created by our dear friends at Campsite Studios. It's their submission for the "Doctor Horrible's Sing-Along Blog" contest. Check it out and please leave awesome comments on their page.

Campsite Studios presents "Baron Mind": http://www.vimeo.com/1934017

They're also featured on a list of the top five contestants (BRAVO!): http://www.tilzy.tv/top-five-dr-horrible-evil-league-of-evil-applicants.htm

And watch "Doctor Horrible's Sing-Along Blog" here: http://www.hulu.com/watch/28343/dr-horribles-sing-along-blog

Believe in your dreams

Poll Update

As of right now, six Ex-Gifted Readers are planning to vote for Barack Obama. One of you is planning to be a jerk and not vote at all. Now, I know this poll (like the presidential election) is a "secret ballot," but I am hereby calling out the jerk who is not planning to vote and asking:

1. Are you just trying to be funny?

2. Are you really planning to vote for McCain but for some reason felt pressured not to choose option B?

3. Are you planning to do something even more absurd, like writing in for Hillary or Mickey Mouse?

4. Are you even registered to vote? Do you need assistance?

5. Do you realize that in New York State, it's too late to register to vote? Did you not receive all the Facebook reminders about last Friday being the deadline?

6. Are you appreciating all the attention your sly answer has provoked?

Voting is hard

Virgin Birth

Thanks to Ex-Gifted Reader Rory for sending in this fascinating article about sharks who are giving birth to baby sharks with no male DNA...meaning, they are having virgin births...meaning, there is no father in sight.

"Sharky Has No Daddies"

This kind of asexual reproduction is called parthenogenesis. According to one of the science-y types quoted in the article, "It is possible that parthenogenesis could become more common in these sharks if population densities become so low that females have trouble finding mates."

Hear that, ladies? Maybe one day we will evolve to the point of impregnating ourselves! If the Virgin Mary and sharks can do it, so can you.

If only I had used asexual contraception

New Poll

Thanks to everyone who voted in the last poll. Turns out most of you used to be smart, talented, independent children who now lack basic intelligence, creative outlets, and individuality. Yay!

Check out the new poll to the right and let the world know who you support in the presidential election. Democracy is super!

The Roaming Gnome says "Remember to vote, and to support the faltering travel industry by booking a trip now on Travelocity.com"

How Do I Love Thee?

The following list is pulled from a recent AIM battle for the best sentence that follows "How do I love thee?" Names have been removed to protect the innocent.

How do I love thee? Let me not count the ways but rather say "take my word for it."

How do I love thee? ...I'm sorry I really can't talk right now – my kitchen timer just went off and I don't want dinner to burn.

How do I love thee? fdjsffkkkkk You're breaking up! dkfsfsshhhhh I’m going into a tunnel!

How do I love thee? Enough to change my sheets.

How do I love thee? I would gladly leave my disfigured first wife who was wheelchair-bound until she learned to walk again after an unfortunate car accident for you.

How do I love thee? Are you sure you're late? Like, maybe it's just because you’ve been eating so much dairy or something... Pee on the stick again.

How do I love thee? I called you, didn't I?

How do I love thee? Up to and including 1.2 million dollars if I happen to have an affair that results in our divorce.

How do I love thee? Enough to call you a car service at 3am and give you 8 bucks for the fare. And try to be quiet, my roommate's asleep.

How do I love thee? I sent you TWO someecards for your birthday.

How do I love thee? I will makes you very happy with passions for kind American generous man to sponsor me for visiting family in America.

How do I love thee? Plastic Duane Reade roses and a Whitman's sampler just about covers it.

How do I love thee? Even though I went black I'm thinking about going back for you.

How do I love thee? I would kill for you.

How do I love thee? I don't.

Tom Brady

...was eating lunch at Dos Caminos in SoHo today. We made eye contact as I walked by. I think I may now be with child.

Look into my pregnancy-inducing eyes

This has nothing to do with anything, but I just had to share.

Obama/McCain Debate #2

The debate just ended and I think there was a clear winner. Sadly, it wasn't Obama. Or McCain. It wasn't even hottie moderator Tom Brokaw. No, the winner of this debate was the guy who asked the first town hall question.

His name? MISTER ALAN SCHAEFER.

His question? "With the economy on the downturn and retired and older citizens and workers losing their incomes, what's the fastest, most positive solution to bail these people out of the economic ruin?"

First of all, Alan, what a stellar question. That's exactly what I would have said, had I been allowed to ask a prescreened question in a carefully vetted category of the Gallup Organization's choosing.

Secondly, Alan, the candidates really took a liking to you. They repeated your name an awful lot during their answers, and even during subsequent answers. The whole country knows you now. You are a true political superstar.

Slightly less powerful than Jesus Christ Superstar

Thirdly, Alan, I couldn't help but point you out to my Ex-Gifted Roommate every time the camera panned over to Section A on the Belmont University stage. You got a lot of camera time, Alan, and you should try to parlay this obvious photogenicality into your own primetime TV sitcom or cable news show. Have you considered a reality programme?

Alan, I wish I had a picture of you to share with everyone, but I will have to settle for a picture of the actor I think should play you in the made-for-TV miniseries based on your historic appearance, possibly entitled "First Question: The Alan Schaefer Story."

I used to be Jason Alexander.

Martha Stewart Paint Colors

Bear with me on this one.

I have recently become aware that Martha Stewart has created a series of lovely names for her Lowe’s paint colors. They are so perfect in their simplicity that I would like to dedicate an awards presentation to them right now, in this very space. The names are generally delightful and make me want to go live in a cottage somewhere and cook food in large pots.

Without further ado…The Painty Awards.

1. The nominees for “Best Paint Color Named After an Old Timey Item” are:
Vintage Rickrack
Heirloom Shawl
Trousseau
Cameo Brooch
Scented Notepaper (please note, this paint does not actually smell like scented notepaper)

And the Painty award goes to: SCENTED NOTEPAPER, for being both an excellent old timey reference as well as misleading with the whole “scented” thing.

2. The nominees for “Best Paint Color Named After A Tasty Food” are:
Bread Dough
Macaroni
Lobster Bisque
Maple Butter
Wild Artichoke

And the Painty award goes to: MACARONI, for making Martha seem more down-to-earth than usual.

3. The nominees for “Best Paint Color Named After an Animal” are:
Caribou
French Bulldog Black
Great Blue Heron
Cricket
Mallard Duck

And the Painty award goes to: FRENCH BULLDOG BLACK, for taking a color that is just plain black and making me think of fuzzy puppies instead.

4. The nominees for “Best Paint Color Named After Something Asian” are:
Chinese Lacquer Red
India Ink
Bamboo Mat
Silk Kimono
Nori Seaweed

And the Painty award goes to: SILK KIMONO, for not indicating anything about the paint color itself but still sounding mysteriously alluring.

5. The nominees for “Best Paint Color Named After A Completely Random Object” are:
Park Bench
Windmill
Yachting Cap
Skeleton Key
Diving Board

And the award goes to: PARK BENCH. What the hell, there’s no good reason.

So thank you, Martha, for concocting the perfect batch of paint colors and equally beautiful names to go with them. You are a true master of lifestyle branding and for that I honor you with this Painty Lifetime Achievement Award.

Save These Words

Thanks to alert Ex-Gifted Reader David, who sent in an article featuring 24 words the Collins English Dictionary wants to remove to “make room for up to 2,000 new entries.” This is a terrible thing! Old words are far superior to new ones.

Maybe, if these words are updated to have more current meanings, we can save them from destruction. Below are a few of my suggestions. Please implement them into your everyday vocabulary and save them from almost certain demise!

Abstergent
Actual definition: Cleansing
New definition: Having superior washboard abs as the result of elective surgery

Agrestic
Actual definition: Rural
New definition: Aggressive, Sarah Palin-style

Embrangle
Actual definition: To confuse
New definition: To sew in one’s own weave

Muliebrity
Actual definition: The condition of being a woman
New definition: The condition of being a young, hot, boozing, rehab-hopping celebrity donkey

Skirr
Actual definition: A whirring sound
New definition: To scare (as in, “don’t skirr me!”). I guess this definition already exists.

Check out the rest of the words here.

Cool Jobs in a Hopeless Economy

Looking for work in these shitty economic times? Look no further. Here are the Ex-Gifted Child's top five jobs for recession job seekers:

5. Apple Seller

If the Great Depression was any indication of things to come, there should be a lot of people looking to buy cheap fruit on the streets pretty soon. So get yourself a piece of cardboard and rig up a sign on your wooden fruit-wagon. You can even set your own hours, making this great for those go-getter self-employed types.

4. Chewing Gum Marketing Guru

If there's one product that won't die, even in the midst of certain financial disaster, it's chewing gum. Every day I see a new ad for Orbit, Dentyne, Eclipse, or some other one-word gum brand. What's fascinating is that the gum is the same underneath the newly updated packaging as it was underneath the last round of updated packaging. But people keep buying it, because it's cheap (comparatively) and loses its flavor after 90 seconds.

One word: GUM.

3. Military Recruit

There is one employer always looking for recruits and that's the US military. They want YOU. To go to Iraq. So stop polishing your resume and start practicing pull-ups. HOORAY!

2. Starving Artist

Seeing as you probably can't find employment anyway, this would be an excellent opportunity to take up your long-lost creative pursuits and live in squalor in a garret somewhere. And you will become 64% hipper by not trying to find a job, but living solely for your art. The more angsty and impoverished you are, the better this chapter of your memoirs will be.

I cut off my ear to pay my rent.

1. Human Resources Person

If there's one thing companies need these days, it's HR people to fire all the other people. Beef up your resume with examples of your successful track record of rejection: dumping lovers, breaking leases, putting down sick pets. You'll be rolling in dough in no time!

Quote to Live By

"You know everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects."

~Will Rogers

I never met a Will Rogers quote I didn't like.

Millicent's Musings: Duels

Once again we present an essay from our contributing writer, Millicent Farthingale.

"Greetings, gentle readers,

Many of you have shown a wisdom beyond your scant years by calling on my counsel in matters of manner, decorum, and etiquette in this ever-changing world. Fear not, you loyal, for Millicent shall steer you from the wide path of barbarism to the good road of civility!

In my day, the Defence of Honor was taken with a profound gravity. In fact, the offence of dishonouring a gentleman was so great that it often led to bloodshed in the form of a duel.

Dishonouring a lady was settled with a tire-iron.

The gentleman's duel was an engagement of combat between men of a certain status- the Poor, it is widely known, do not have Honor. If a nobleman were to suffer an indignity dealt by a man of lower class, say, being called a brigand by a pennystinkard in the presence of clergy, he could simply order a robust servant to cane the provincial boor.

But if the same nobleman were called a rake by a fellow Count in the presence of the wet nurse, the nobleman must take up the pistol and proceed to mar the Count's visage with shot in an orderly and civilized manner lest his Good Name be sullied.

Remember Biff and Sully?

It is my understanding that customs have changed since that elegant era, and now through the work of the shameless suffragettes and communist radicals in this country it has become unseemly and moreso illegal for men of refined society to shoot one another in the face for failing to stand when a lady is seated at the table.

As a modern alternative I defer to my relations in their young adulthood, who tell me that to duel in contemporary custom one must electrically correspond via 'X Box Live' in a simulacrum tournament of combat known as 'Halo 3.'

How dare you call me the Arbiter when I am in fact the Master Chief.

Though the magic lantern zoetrope frippery of 'videoed game-ing' is thoroughly 21st Century, the principles of dignity and vengeance remain the same. And so I call upon the youth to restore Honor to this age!

Do not begrudge being named a 'penniling lousehunt' without teabagging your opponent in a deathmatch!

Mock them for their inexperience as you unleash virtual hellfire!

Accuse them of being sodomites and buggerers as you frantically tap the knobs!

For the Defence of Honor!"

Recession Preparedness Tips

In these recession-y times, it can be difficult to keep your financial situation afloat. Here are The Ex-Gifted Child’s top five tips to survive the current economic shit-storm. They’ll leave you saying, “Subprime loan, shmubprime loan!”

5. Call in debts from friends and family.

Now’s the time to remind folks that they owe you money. Gals, give your beau a tab for all those dinners you went Dutch. Parents, bill your adult children for rent and laundry services. Subway musicians, demand fives and tens.

4. Play the lottery.

Did you know, that for as little as one or two dollars, you could possibly wins MILLIONS of dollars? Lottery tickets should be a major percentage of every smart investor’s portfolio. Don’t shy away from those complicated scratch-off tickets, either…your financial advisor can explain how they work. Remember, you can’t win if you don’t play.

Giant novelty checks never bounce.

3. Make friends on Wall Street.

In case you haven’t noticed, Wall Streeters are going through more stressful times than you are. They’re losing billions of dollars, and you’re losing what…thousands? Tens of thousands? Maybe a couple hundred? Show your sympathy by befriending finance employees who are going through tough times.

Buy them a cup of coffee, listen to them complain about the yacht that they’ll have to refinance or the penthouse in Dubai that they’ll have to remodel next year when times aren’t so tough. Shine their shoes. If they take a liking to you, they may include you in their will before they jump out a window at the NYSE to their untimely death on the pavement below.

2. Bone up on your survival skills.

Visit your local library (did you know the books there are free?) and learn about edible plants, turning urine into potable drinking water, and how to skin and fillet stray cats. Yurt-constructing skills could also be invaluable for when your house is foreclosed.

1. Take responsibility.

Man up and admit that the financial crisis is all your fault. Whether you committed some egregious mortal sin like coveting your neighbor's goods, or ruined your karma in a previous life as a dolphin, you are somehow to blame for this worldwide catastrophe. Go to confession or burn some incense and hope that the Gods accept your humble penance, and that the Dow goes up.

Have mercy on our souls.

Derrick Comedy Trailer

Every so often, we here at The Ex-Gifted Child are honored to promote friends who have retained their Giftedness into adulthood. So today, please enjoy the brand-spankin' new trailer for the upcoming Derrick Comedy movie, featuring our very Gifted friends from...Derrick Comedy.

But first, what is the secret to staying Gifted? According to Dan Eckman, video director for Derrick: "Dick jokes."

And now, the trailer. Watch and support!

If that whets your appetite, check out my favorite Derrick sketch here.

Pirates!

The U.S. is going through turbulent times. An out-of-control economy, an unpopular war, an upcoming election. But we should all take a moment to be grateful. Why? Because at least we don't have PIRATES.

Yes, pirates, who are apparently making a good living off the coast of Somalia. The New York Times has a great article about a recent pirate hijacking near Kenya. Apparently these hep cats like taking ships hostage and demanding insane ransoms. In this case, they are asking for $35 million for the ship full of Soviet tanks and weapons that they are holding.

This begs the question, how was a speedboat full of otherwise unemployed scalawags able to seize a ship stocked with Soviet tanks and weapons?

Also interesting to note is that while they are asking for $35 million, the average ransom they receive is $1-2 million. If any HR professionals want to consult with the pirates on their negotiating skills, this would be a killer opportunity.

The pirates stole my will to eat.

Presenting Millicent's Musings (or, Farthingale's Finds)

Every so often, Ex-Gifted Child Millicent Farthingale will grace us with her presence in this humble space. As someone who exited Gifted Childhood before the Industrial Revolution, we always welcome her sage insight.


"Greetings, gentle Readers.

If you will permit me a moment of indecorous willfulness, I simply must opine once more on the young people of this age. In the days of my virtuous youth, young men entertained themselves by leafing through collections of etchings while ladies partook in calming embroidery.

Civil, pleasant conversation was made at every approach and friendly acknowledgments given to passing strangers enforced bonds of fond regard. Of course, this was excepting servants, laborers, the poor, those of Afric or Oriental backgrounds, men suspected of buggery, those suffering maladies of the skin or brain, the unfashionable, and unmarried ladies of ill repute.

Presently, the generation scarcely makes time for parlor room entertaining, favoring in its stead the bothersome calls of mobile telephony typographical transmission and the You Tube, where strumpets and harlots prance before the Camera in immodest garments revealing the very appendages of their maternity.

For shame, youth!"


...Millicent also included the following link, which should be of interest to those who agree that the 21st century causes one great melancholy.

Word of the Day

XENOGLOSSY.

Pronunciation: ZEE-noh-glaw-see

Definition: The ability to speak a language without having learned it, often considered a psychic phenomenon (noun).

Example: Fabrice added xenoglossy to the "special skills" section of his resume after awaking one morning babbling in Spanish.

If You Could Travel Anywhere...

...where would it be and why?

When I was still a Gifted Child, I had a list of things to do before I died (slightly morbid). One of those was to go into space. Little did I know that space tourism would become a reality and that if I only amassed a billion dollars or was an *NSYNC member, my simple dream could come true.

Some Ex-Gifted readers share their destinations of choice:

"If I could travel to any one place it would be Australia. Because of its geography a lot of the wildlife there evolved in an isolated fashion, and can't be found anywhere else."

~Rory

"I would like to go to France and see the chateaux I studied in high school, along the Loire Valley. I did a report on them once and they looked so cool and beautiful."

~Sarah

"I'd travel to Australia to see a wild dingo, or Germany to experience a live Oktoberfest, or China for a real shrimp eggroll."

~Stephen

Or Mexico for an authentic Speedy Gonzales

Quote to Not Live By

"First of all, I don't see America having problems."

~George W. Bush (August 10, 2008)

This man is in my city today

Classical Music

There's a great article in The New Yorker about how the current classical music concert format came to be. Really, it's much more interesting than I can describe it. Just read it!

Word of the Day

SUSURRUS.

Pronunciation: su-SUHR-uhs

Definition: A rustling or whispering sound (noun)

Example: The susurrus of disease-ridden mice in the kitchen soothed Baby Clementine to sleep.

I am gnawing on your cereal boxes.

12 Things You Can Do to Combat Ex-Gifted Child Syndrome

Do your intellectual and creative pursuits usually involve Craigslist or perezhilton.com? Re-expand your horizons with the 12 Steps to Combating Ex-Gifted Child Syndrome:

1. Create some art, play an instrument, or read a really old book.

2. Go to an obscure museum (The Gallery of Himalayan Art, anyone?)

3. Apply for Mensa, and tell everyone that you're doing it, so later they will all inquire if you got in, and if you didn't you will feel bitter, bitter shame, and this will motivate you to do really well on the Mensa test, so well that you will no longer tolerate long, run-on sentences on blogs or elsewhere.

4. Compose a brilliant letter to an intellectual you admire and kindly request a response.

5. Spend an entire day speaking in a foreign language (or some kind of historical dialect...pirate-speak doesn't count).

6. Contact a former teacher or mentor to say thanks.

7. Become a teacher or mentor and hope that one day your brilliant pupils will dedicate their memoirs to you.

8. Write a well-reasoned letter to the editor on a topic you’re passionate about. Avoid swearing.

9. Download a podcast on a topic you know nothing about and actually listen to it.

10. Attend the nerdiest activity you can find (this includes chess tournaments, swing dances, university lectures on string theory, and comic book conventions).

11. Constantly remind your peers of the amazing feats you accomplished 16 years ago.

12. Send $39.99 a month to this website as a token of your appreciation.

But don't take my word for it...WWLBD?

Ex-Gifted Poll

Hello friends! You may have noticed that we have a POLL on the site for the first time ever! Check it out to the right. Answer. Feel better about identifying the cause of your Ex-Giftedness.

I played the violin until my fingers bled

Quote to Live By

"If there is no struggle, there is no progress. Those who profess to favor freedom, and deprecate agitation, are men who want crops without plowing up the ground, they want rain without thunder and lightning."

~Frederick Douglass

Hobo Symbols

Hello, Ex-Gifted Children. Today, let's chat for a moment about Hobo Symbols, shall we? Back in the day, the hobo-folk would mark up people's doorposts with secret code to alert other hobos to any pertinent information about the house. These signs are also helpful when designing tattoos, doodling on jury duty, or signing yearbooks.

So here are my top five Hobo Symbols, brazenly lifted (in the tradition of good hoboes everywhere) from The Symbol Sourcebook by Henry Dreyfuss. Get your book-larnin' cap on, or you'll be sadder'n a tramp without his bindle when you're on the road...

5. Kind Lady Lives Here

This symbol is great because it doesn't mean what you think it will mean. It doesn't mean "cats live here" or "beware of angry kittens" or even "good place to shave your whiskers." No, it's an unbreakable code, which I suppose is part of the GENIUS of the hobo masterminds.

4. The Sky's the Limit

Isn't it nice to think that, despite being poor and dirty, hoboes had such a darn positive outlook on things? When you're down in the dumps, remember that hoboes are sleeping in ravines and eating beans out of a can, and they can still see the silver lining. Why can't you?

3. You Can Sleep in Hayloft

I don't know that this will ever be useful in my daily life, but when the day comes that I stumble upon a perfectly sleepable hayloft, I do hope I have some chalk with me to commemorate it.

2. A Beating Awaits You Here

Once I got past that fact that hoboes used such lovely syntax, I was confused as to why a hobo would stick around long enough after receiving a royal ass-whoopin' to scratch this into a doorpost. Still, a handy sign to recognize, if you aren't eager for a beatdown.

1. Alcohol In This Town

I like this one because it's most applicable to my everyday life. I know a lot of towns that have alcohol. And lots of people who would be interested in that information.

So go forth and communicate as your hobo-brethren do! To learn more symbols, click here.

Wind Power

Having driven by a cavalcade of beautiful wind turbines in upstate New York this weekend, I was excited to see this article in the Sunday NY Times Magazine. It was interesting to drive through another small town and see lawn signs proclaiming either "We Love Wind Power" or a simple image of a wind turbine with a big X through it.

These newfangled turbines are the talk of the town.

Among other interesting things we saw: zebras, clowns driving a car, a deer, many vultures.

Word of the Day

BOWDLERIZE.

Pronunciation: BODE-luh-rise

Definition: To change the offensive parts of something (verb).

Example: My favorite part of working for the FCC is bowdlerizing words and ideas to protect our society from anything that may challenge their ideals and/or make them uncomfortable.

The Art of Manliness

I would like to thank alert Ex-Gifted Reader David for pointing me towards a fantastic blog, The Art of Manliness. I particularly enjoyed two posts entitled "The Long-Lost Art of the Calling Card" and "Stop Hanging Out With Women and Start Dating Them." (As a woman, I definitely appreciated the latter.) Check it out, boys.

Man up, Beave.

Broadway Bound

Hello, my dear Ex-Gifted Children, and welcome to the Great White Way edition of this blog. Enjoy some fun facts about the upcoming Broadway season:

Happy Fact:

David Mamet’s Speed-the-Plow is coming to Broadway, with Jeremy Piven (yes, that Jeremy Piven) and Elizabeth Moss (from Mad Men) – two of my favorite TV actors! Yay.

Sad Fact:

Godspell is no longer coming to Broadway. This is old news, but I can’t seem to let it go. A compassionate donor couldn’t swoop in at the last minute and provide the measly $1 million they needed to mount the production? Pathetic. I guess we’ll have to settle for Hair as our rock musical of the season…Berger looks like Jesus anyway.

British Fact:

Harry Potter gets naked in Equus. There are already pictures online (by that I mean pictures more graphic than the one below). Awkward...

"Yay, 'Arry!"

Annoying Fact:

Shrek the Musical continues the glut of movie-based shows that are clogging Broadway’s once healthy arteries. Even with the lovely talents of Brian D’Arcy James, Sutton Foster, and Christopher Sieber, this is likely to be a big piece of lameness. Prove me wrong, Shrek, prove me wrong.

Spoke Too Soon Fact:

Okay, maybe there is one movie-to-musical adaptation I’m eager to see. And that’s 9 to 5, featuring the talented trio of Allison Janney, Megan Hilty, and Stephanie J. Block. This could sink or swim, but I’m crossing my fingers that it’s okay. Apparently there are technical issues happening in their out-of-town tryout, but with Dolly Parton at the helm, I trust everything will come out fine.

I'm a smart, sassy businesswoman

Little Known Fact:

To reach Operating Thetan Level XVII, you must perform in a Broadway production of an Arthur Miller play. So congratulations, Katie Holmes, looks like you are moving up the Fake Religion Ladder with your debut in All My Sons. But really, who cares. We should all be more excited about seeing John Lithgow, Patrick Wilson, Dianne Wiest, and L. Ron Hubbard in his first stage appearance since “Dianetics: The Musical.”

It's an eruption of mental instability

So get out there and support the Broadway community! Buy tickets! (And/or steal comps from well-placed friends.)